Dear Josiah

I wanted to write you this letter since I won't be writing in your journal again until you turn 3 in June (I can't believe that you will be three then)!

You have been such a big boy this year as there have been soo many changes in our lives this year. We were so excited at the beginning of 2010 because you were going to be a big brother. Our world came crashing down when your little sister was born still in May. We were so proud of you though as you did well with mommy and daddy being gone twice while trying to deliver your sister. This was the longest amount of time that we had been away from you and you did sooo well.

Your other biggest achievement has been your speech. In the beginning of the year you were struggling so much with talking and now you are doing soo much. You can say your ABC's with no problems. You are able to spell your name, daddy, mommy and Ida.

Another big achievement has been that you are toilet trained except for at night--you have been doing this consistently since May!

We have been going to a church closer to our house and you have been doing excellent going in to the nursery. Mr. W. teaches you a Bible lesson and when we come to pick you up you are so excited to show us your papers. This brought a tear to mommy's eye the first time that I went to pick you up.

As we reflect on this last year, it has been an extremely painful one with the loss of your sister, Virginia and then the miscarriage. We are so thankful that God has blessed us with you and that you are such a little miracle. You have the best hugs ever and are such a cuddly little guy!

I know that this new year is going to bring even more changes in your life as mommy begins working full time third shift. My biggest struggle is how this is going to affect you since you are such a mommy's boy. I struggle so much with it because if you are our only earthly child I want to be with you every second that I can but I know that this job will help us out financially and hopefully we can try again to have another baby (you love babies so much and it breaks my heart that you don't have a brother or a sister here on earth). I know that you will be in wonderful hands with grandma and that I will be with you as much as possible. I love you so much and pray that you will do well with all of these changes!
Love you Siah!
Mommy

End of the year thoughts

Tonight should be an interesting night as our church, Orland Park CRC, always tolls a bell for each person that has died this year. I asked our pastor about a month ago if Virginia was going to be included or not because I wasn't sure but he said she would be. I looked in the bulletin already for the service tonight and her name is listed. How sad it is to see your baby's name listed as one who has died this year. This is the one service that I really wanted to go to (we have been going to a church closer to us) and then of course I get put in nursery, but I actually think it might be for the best because I am going to be in the nursery with another mom who has also lost a baby (in fact Virginia is buried next to her son) and I figure if I start bawling she will understand :)

I have a lot of emotions too because I am taking a huge step for our family. We have been struggling financially and I have been applying for jobs for a while and could not find anything. I decided to apply for a full time third shift job thinking that I would never get the job and of course I got it. It is going to save us a ton of money on health insurance in addition to the income. I am so thankful that I have been able to stay home with Josiah for 2 1/2 years but am also sad because I wonder if he will be our only child here on earth and don't want to miss anything. I also know though that hopefully this extra income will maybe allow us to be able to try again to have another baby. I believe that God opened this door for our family and that He will allow each of us to adjust accordingly.

This year has been one of the most difficult for me personally, which is saying a lot, but I know too that God has carried us through this incredibly difficult time. I'm so thankful that He has provided such wonderful family and friends to walk alongside of us in the trials of life.

I always like to end a post with a couple of pictures. These are a couple of things that we received for Christmas from family members. It meant so much to us that people remembered that we are still grieving the loss of our babies.

This is a little hard to photograph but it says, Our baby in heaven, Virginia Rae, May 3, 2010

One Year

This is my journal entry from December 23, 2009:

Wow! What a surprise that we had this morning. I have been feeling nauseous for the last week so I decided to take a pregnancy test. I ended up taking two because the first one seemed to be questionable. It is pretty hard for us to believe it because we have been trying to get pregnant for the last year and so far it hasn't worked. We are so excited and can't wait to meet you! We don't take for granted what a miracle your life is and will continue to pray for you as you grow within me and then later as you grow outside of me. (How sad that she never grew outside of me :( )

How hard it is for me to read those words a year later. As I reflect on last December, I had an appointment with my ob/gyn in the beginning of the month because we were having trouble getting pregnant. She gave us some suggestions and we were elated that we were pregnant just a few weeks later--it was definitely the best Christmas present that I have ever gotten. We were so excited as we told both of our families on Christmas Eve that we would be having another baby. I remember telling my parents that they would need 8 stockings instead of 7 and my mom not catching on right away :) It is going to be soo difficult tomorrow as we go to their house and see the twins who should only be a couple of months older than Virginia and then seeing only 7 stockings instead of 8. This Christmas is so hard for me too because there is no Christmas present that I want--the only thing that I want is to be able to hold Virginia in my arms.

This last year has been very difficult for our family--we have not only lost Virginia but also the loss of our miscarried baby. We also have lost Uncle Mart--who I loved soo much. Also right before Thanksgiving, my two little angels were there to welcome my cousin's son, Kellan, who was also born still at 18 weeks. It's so difficult to understand why this happens to so many people.

I still continue to struggle with so many different emotions regarding the passing of Virginia. It remains difficult to look at the pictures of her from when she was born--it breaks my heart that we don't have the "pretty" pictures of her. It makes me angry that we didn't receive a full explanation of what the dr's were seeing.

The loss of Virginia has been a difficult journey with a wide array of emotions attached to it. We are thankful for the many people that have walked alongside of us. We know that we will remember her and her angel friends every day. I've attached a couple of pictures that another angel mom from Facebook made for us. The butterfly is to signify the miscarriage. The snowman family is being used as our Christmas card--we wanted to be able to include Virginia and the miscarried baby in our Christmas this year.

Christmas--please help

I'd like to be completely honest here. I struggle so much with the Christmas season for the main reason that I find it to be extremely materialistic and that the real reason for Christmas is totally lacking. My idea of a wonderful Christmas would be working at a soup kitchen and ministering to those who are struggling and sharing with them the love of Jesus. I totally understand giving gifts and enjoying the time with family but find at times that it's so much about the presents and making sure to be at every party that I miss the most important part of Christmas.

With that frame of reference in mind, I'm very concerned about Christmas this year. We found out that we were pregnant with Virginia on December 23rd and announced it to all of our families at the Christmas celebrations. I was sooo excited to be able to have a baby along with the twins.

This leads me to my question of what do we do this year to remember Virginia and the baby that we miscarried without being the downers to the parties? I don't plan on doing a lot with the extended family but want to do something special as our immediate family. I'm not sure if we get a present for them and what would be appropriate--if we get an ornament (we do not have "good" pictures of Virginia, we also do not have handprints or footprints due to the severity of her diagnosis and the time inside of me when she was not alive)

5 months

Today marks 5 months since I delivered Virginia in to the world. We should be talking about first teeth, watching her sit up for the first time and many other milestones but unfortunately we are not. I did finish her scrapbook and it looks really good--we are so glad that we have a keepsake of all of our memories of her.

It's been hard too as my favorite Uncle Mart passed away last week. He was always the life of the party and someone I wanted to be around. He fought lung cancer for 12 years and unfortunately it finally beat him. My favorite memory of Uncle Mart is that he would always dance with us at weddings when we were little--my mom called me within 15 minutes of his passing and I knew that Virginia had saved her first dance for Uncle Mart and at that moment they were dancing away. This image of them dancing brings me such comfort.


This picture is what he always looked like--a smile from ear to ear!
I love you so much Uncle Mart!

Recommended Reading

I am reading a wonderful book called Holding on to Hope by Nancy Guthrie. It's a very short book that parallels the story of Job to the suffering that people go through in their lives.

One of my favorite quotes is from page 11--"Our culture wants to put the Band-Aid of heaven on the hurt of losing someone we love...But they don't understand how far away heaven feels, and how long the future seems..." This is so hard for people around us who want us to just "move on". We know that we will not stop talking or grieving over the loss of Virginia and the baby that we lost through miscarriage. We know that both of the babies are in heaven but it doesn't minimize our loss at all.

A very difficult concept for me to grasp is that all of us need to hold on to everything in our lives loosely. We are just stewards of the gifts that God has given us--we are not entitled to them. This is really difficult even though I try to make God #1 in my life--so often I let other things or people come before Him.

Another thing that really resonated with me is that even though I don't want to leave my family here on earth--I have two of my children already in heaven--it gives me yet another perspective of heaven and a yearning to see both of them.

I've really struggled recently with hearing about people talk about having faith for healing. I fully understand that there are parables in the Bible talking about faith the size of a mustard seed moving mountains ... Sometimes I think that God can bring so much glory out of the suffering and the times that the healing does not happen. Yes, I would much rather have everyone that I know and love be healthy and happy but unfortunately there is sin in the world. The author talks about this as well and says that most people pray for the healing and add a ps about if it is God's will and that it really should be the other way around. We should pray that we would allow God to be glorified in our lives no matter what happens (definitely easier said than done) but it's something that we should all strive towards.

I have no idea why we had to lose Virginia and the baby through miscarriage but I know that God will be with us during this difficult time. I've seen so many other Christian people create such wonderful ministries because of the losses in their lives (I definitely pray that we could all help other people without the suffering). It's my prayer that God would use us to minister to people that are also suffering and that through those ministries that the story of both babies would live on.

Due Date

Today was Virginia's due date and was also 4 months since her delivery.

I really had a hard time earlier in the week. We went to church on Sunday and there just seemed to be babies everywhere and there was a baptism which made it even more difficult. On Monday night I cried so hard as I was thinking about what should have been--that was so good for me though as I let go of those feelings.

Tim was able to take the day off of work today which was soo nice. We went out to the cemetery this morning and brought out a red rose for her. We really had such a nice time there as we remembered her.


I was going to try and work on a scrapbook for her while Josiah took a nap--we got all of the pictures separated in to separate pages so hopefully I will be able to get those in this weekend.

We received a lovely delivery too. Joel and Beth sent us a beautiful flower arrangement that really helped to brighten our day. We also received a scrapbook page, a couple of pictures of Virginia and a book from The Haven Network. They did such a great job of photoshopping a couple of Virginia's pictures--they look fabulous. The scrapbook page is soo nice that we made it the first page of Virginia's scrapbook!




We wanted to do a balloon send off for Virginia so we got 5 balloons for each of us and attached a little note to them to anyone that received them (if you did please leave us a note of where you are from). Josiah also colored a picture for Virginia which we attached to a balloon. We have a little garden in the backyard for Virginia which includes a little angel. As we were walking out there, Josiah walked over to the angel and gave it a hug--it was the cutest thing ever! He would have made such a good big brother--it breaks our heart but we pray that we will be able to get pregnant again and have a healthy baby.



We know that this day went so well thanks to the prayers of so many people. We thank all of you for the support that you have given us as we walk this road of suffering. We thank God for His grace that He provides for us and that He provides wonderful Christian people to walk alongside of us.