Good News/Bad News

The last couple of days have been ok--I've still felt a little queasy and have been having some horrible headaches but it was nothing compared to this weekend.

We went to see the OB today to try and figure out what our status was and when I could go back to work. He did an ultrasound and said that he did not see the baby but could see quite a bit of "tissue" left in there. He said that he would not be surprised if I would have some heavy loss yet ahead of me.

We were obviously disappointed that we were not able to see the baby and have the baby tested but ... Since we won't be able to find out the gender we have named the baby Faith. We know that God is with us through this and that our faith will carry us through these trials. We were so thankful for this baby and the baby will always be a part of our family.

I have a necklace that I was given by my sister when we lost Virginia. Then, my friend Cindy gave me the handprint charm which we used when we lost the last baby. This weekend we were able to get a little angel charm to remember this baby. It helps so much to have a reminder of my 4 little ones around my neck.

Round 3 (Monday)

The morning started out a little bit scary as I was a little nauseous but I've been trying to be careful getting up walking around.

Thankfully my mom stayed overnight which alleviated some of the anxiety just knowing that she was here. My friend, Cindy came over too with her 3 youngest which was good for us too to distract us from everything that is happening. Josiah loves their family and had such a great time holding the babies.

The main reason we are chronicling what is happening is because we start a journal the day we find out that we are pregnant and then when we find out that we have lost a baby it's hard to keep writing in there--this helps to be able to write it down and then at some point in time we can put it in their journals or somewhere else.

If anyone does read this blog, we just want to thank you all for the love, encouragement, prayers, cards, etc. During these painful times of loss, each one of you that walks alongside of us is being the body of Christ and we appreciate it more than words can say. When we seem to be at the lowest in the terms of our loss, we receive a phone call, a package in the mail, an e-mail etc. that just reminds us that we are not alone and we love each of you sooo much!

Round 2 (Sunday)

Sunday morning Tim was able to take Josiah to church--Josiah is going to be in the Christmas program at church and he needs to get used to singing in front of people :) He knows 3 of the 4 songs but we'll see if he performs in front of an audience.

At about 2 pm I started to have some pain in my back and I was concerned that it was starting again. Thankfully, I called my mom and asked her to come out because we really need Tim to keep working. From about 5-7 was pretty rough as I was experiencing a lot of loss. It was really scary and I wasn't sure if I should go to the hospital or not. I spoke with the OB but he wasn't really a lot of help. I also spoke with our person at The Haven Network and she was able to reassure me that it was going to be ok. I finally was able to calm down and hang out on the couch for a while. I still was a little bit concerned but thankfully it all started to slow down a little bit.

What a night

Last night I was going to try and start the cytotec but I was still scared. It's so hard to know what to do when your OB tells you to take it but then the warnings from the pharmacist and the company that produces the medication says not to take it after 8 weeks to induce labor as it can cause a uterine rupture. Plus my OB did not prescribe any pain killers besides Ibuprofen which did not even touch the pain that I had been experiencing. So after many phone calls with family we decided to wait with the Cytotec.

I have been in pain since Thursday but the pain was coming much faster starting around 8 pm. Thankfully my sister in law called at 9 pm so that helped distract me for a half hour. Then Tim got home and I started walking the floors (I told him that I was probably going to make a hole in the floor). I was in sooooo much pain and was not getting a break in between the pain. Tim called the OB and begged him for a pain killer but he said that the Ibuprofen would be enough (unless these doctors have gone through this--there is no reason I should not have a pain killer, people who give birth to healthy babies have pain killers). I was in a state of panic from about 10-12:30 since I couldn't find a way to alleviate the pain. In that moment I was pretty much praying for an end to it all. If we are ever blessed with a healthy pregnancy I should be a rock star :) At about 12:30 I sat on the couch and was able to calm myself down a little and I was getting a break in between the pain and then at about 1-1:30 we fell asleep. I don't think that everything is done so we'll see what the next couple of days bring.

So confused

I hate having to make such important decisions. I still have not started the Cytotec because I'm scared to death but we really want to get this baby delivered so that I can get back to work (this time off is all unpaid which is not good for us). The scary thing with Cytotec is that I took it with Virginia and it was extremely painful. All I have been given at home is Ibuprofen. Plus, I read the pharmacy sheet and it said after 8 weeks this medication should not be given to induce labor as it can cause uterine rupture. The baby was measuring between 9-4 and 9-6 on Wednesday. I've been reading some of the user reviews on the internet and it is so scary. Then, I talked to the dr. and his words weren't comforting either. I know that the Bible says that God won't give you more than you can handle but at times it seems like He's tiptoeing on that line. It's enough that we had to lose the baby--it would be so much more helpful if my body could just let go of it without medicine :(

Favorite Picture

Tim took this picture today and I absolutely love it, even though it is bittersweet. I wanted another picture while I still have the baby inside of me. I decided to have the ultrasound picture with me and Tim got it really up close. I love too that you can see the Mom of Angels bracelet that I am wearing. I know that I will treasure this picture forever!

Weak

I don't think that I'm strong enough to do this.

Yesterday I went for the follow-up ultrasound and they said that the baby looked perfect but unfortunately he or she just didn't have a heartbeat. You can see the head on the left, the body and the arms and legs in the obvious places.



I'm starting to have some cramping and pain but I'm supposed to be starting the Cytotec today. (This is the medication that I had with Virginia). I'm just not sure if I'm strong enough to start the medication myself to expel the baby from my body. The baby is supposed to be inside of me growing--it's just sooooo sad. Plus I am scared of the pain (it's better than the alternative of the D&C) but they are predicting that it's going to be worse with this baby because we are 2 weeks further along. The baby is still measuring between 9 weeks 4 days and 9 weeks 6 days. With the last miscarriage the baby was measuring at 8 weeks 1 day and then was gone inside of me for over 2 weeks which makes the baby smaller.