Regrets

It was 2 years ago today that we went to the University of Chicago for our follow-up ultrasound. We knew that there was fluid in the belly but we did not know of any elsewhere. I had read the word hydrops and saw some mention of Down Syndrome. We knew that if the baby was born with Down Syndrome we would love him or her the same. I have worked with people with disabilities in the past and they are some of the most beautiful people in the world.

In an ironic way, Jeff and Lisa (my brother and sister in law) were also at the same hospital having weekly checks for their twin daughters who had TTTS. We were very concerned for their safety and they were born healthy except for a few minor health issues.

We went back for our ultrasound and we thought that our baby looked absolutely beautiful. The technician did not say a lot but explained what we were seeing. The ultrasound lasted about an hour and again we thought everything was fine.

In just a few short minutes our world came crashing down. The genetecist and someone else called us back to a room and asked what we knew about the baby. She said the baby also had fluid behind the neck. She explained that the baby had hydrops (fluid in the chest, skin, abdomen, etc) which is really bad with only a 10% chance of survival. (OK--that's fine--we'll fight for this baby is our thinking). Then, she says but the even more concerning thing is the fluid behind the neck which is called cystic hygroma which has a 0% chance of survival (why wouldn't you just say this in the first place instead of giving us a chance of hope?????) Then she gave us the option to abort which we were not interested in and once we decided that it was like ok see you later.

This was one of the worst things that I have to say about that hospital. There are many more options than abortion and it is a major hospital located in Downtown Chicago. They should have a list of perinatal hospices as well as other specialists for the different disorders to give people a second opinion. Also, I should have had a chance to meet with a Maternal Fetal Medicine physician who would lovingly show me the ultrasounds (which I could keep if I wanted to) that explained exactly what they were seeing. Once they decided that my child was not "viable" they gave up and forgot that the baby was precious to our family and should be given the respect that every other baby received. This is one of my biggest regrets. I wish that I would have demanded to see a MFM and also receive a DVD of the ultrasound and printed images of all the pictures :(

In that small consultation room it did not really hit until we went out in to the waiting room and we started making some phone calls and then it all started caving in. We could not believe that this child that we had prayed so much for would not be a part of our earthly family.

April Showers

I knew that April 3rd comes after the 2nd but I seriously gasped when I looked at my phone this morning and saw that it was the third of April. You see April brings back so many bad memories. In fact, I would say that April is a month of "showers of tears" for our family. April 3, 2010 was the day that we went for our routine 18 week ultrasound. Tim's parents came out to watch Josiah so that we could have our undivided attention on the ultrasound. We continued to fall in love with our baby as we saw her (even though we didn't find out her gender until much later). We thought she was absolutely beautiful and could not wait until she would join our family. The ultrasound was on a Saturday and then on Monday morning as I was on my way to do a job with the census we got a call that we needed to go "up north" for further testing because there was fluid on her abdomen. They kept pushing for an amniocentisis (which they knew there was fluid behind her neck which they didn't tell us at the time) and we didn't understand what their insistence was (until later when we realized that this fluid was A HUGE DEAL). The next day 30 days were a whirlwind of emotions as we tried to set up a plan if she lived, if she died, what memories we wanted to create when she was delivered. Then after she died and we were unsuccessful at our first delivery we went through an even greater loss as we tried to create a new plan--if we would be able to hold her and create memories or if it would be more of a surgical procedure with no closure. This month is one that I wish we could just take off of the calendar but we press on

2 years

Virginia,
I can't believe that 2 years ago you entered in to our world. The story bears repeating--we went to see the OB at the beginning of December because we had been trying to get pregnant for a while and unfortunately it wasn't happening. She told us to start using an ovulation kit and just a couple of weeks later we were taking a pregnancy test that showed that we were pregnant with you. We were sooooo excited and could not wait even a day to tell our immediate family. We went to Grandpa and Grandma Bulthuis' a little early for Christmas and told them that they would need 8 stockings next year instead of 7 (it breaks my heart that there are still only 7 even with the addition of Gloriana and Bella and that there really should be 10). It took Grandma a second to get that we were telling her that we were pregnant and then she started to cry. Daddy even told the Krooswyk family the night we opened presents with them even though he doesn't like telling people that early. We thought that we were getting the best Christmas gift ever. You are one of the best Christmas gifts we just wish that we would have had the chance to unwrap and get to know you a little bit more. We are so thankful for your life even though it was so short. We have learned from your life that pregnancy does not always end with a happy ending. We know that life is precious and each day is not guaranteed to us and that we must appreciate each day and the people that are in our lives. I'm so thankful that I was able to feel your kick and that your daddy and big brother, Josiah were also able to feel them. We have such beautiful memories of our pregnancy with you. I'm so thankful too that you were able to give me one of the best gifts by being able to deliver you naturally instead of a c-section. Your life has also given us a chance to learn more about perinatal hospice and we hope to soon be able to share that gift with other families in our local hospitals.

This Christmas has given me a different perspective. We have been talking to your big brother, Josiah that Christmas is not about presents and family parties but the most important thing about Christmas is Jesus' birthday. Tomorrow morning as we celebrate Christmas with Daddy and Josiah we will be having a cinnamon cake that we will be lighting with candles and then singing Happy Birthday to Jesus. I can just picture you and your siblings up in heaven gathered around Jesus and singing Happy Birthday to Him and that brings me such comfort.

Hardest part of loss

The other day I was coming home from work and I called to talk to Tim and Josiah. I could hear Josiah crying in the background and when he finally got on the phone he said through the tears that "he missed the baby". My heart broke for my little guy. He is the one that I feel so bad for--he is madly in love with babies, he loves to be with people, it would be so good for him to have a sibling, etc. When I got home from work I could still hear him crying. :( As I held him in my arms--I reminded him that our baby is with Jesus now and how lucky our baby is to be up in heaven rocking with Jesus. I showed him the picture that we have on the fridge of Jesus holding a baby and was also able to talk to about how our babies will be celebrating Jesus' birthday with Him in heaven this year. It's so hard for our family to lose another baby but it is such a comfort to know that our baby is with Jesus in heaven!

Pictures of Hats

These are some of the hats that my mom and I have made. I think that they are the cutest things ever :)


The hat on the right was the one that Virgina wore when she was born. The hat on the left was the one that I made that would fit a baby that was under 2 pounds.


This hat is on the Comfort Bear that we received from Sufficient Grace Ministries--this would fit a baby that is 4-5 pounds.


This is the doll that we received from Aunt Lynne to help us remember Virginia with--this would fit a baby that was 2-3 pounds

Perinatal Hospice

We have felt that there was a need for a perinatal hospice in our area for a long time. When we lost our daughter, Virginia in May of 2010 we relied heavily on family and friends that had gone through similar losses and then we also were connected with a Christian perinatal hospice in Rockford (The Haven Network). It meant so much for those people to walk alongside of us in our journey. They walked alongside of us before Virginia passed by providing support over the telephone. When we delivered Virginia, they were willing to come up and take pictures of her, etc. After we lost her they continued to provide telephone support, they sent us Mother's Day/Father's Day cards, they remembered her birthday and due date. They have also walked alongside of us during our 2 miscarriages as well.

I recently had another miscarriage and was talking with the OB about the need for a perinatal hospice in our area and he agreed. I'm going to present him with my ideas for what the hospice should look like. My vision is that the mission would say "walking alongside of families as they journey through miscarriage, stillbirth and neo-natal loss". I would love to be available to these families when they receive a diagnosis, during the delivery and afterwards.

During the delivery would be the time that we would present the memory boxes filled with all of the donations (my most treasured items are the items we have from Virginia's birth--blanket, outfit, etc). I would also like to be able to take pictures for the families (Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep is great but they don't have a photographer close to us and they don't take pictures before 25 weeks).

This is all in the brainstorming phase right now but these are the items that would be great for donations:

CD’s for pictures

Preemie hats

Memory boxes

Picture frames

Blankets (anything over 20 x 20)

Restaurant gift cards

Footprint/Handprint molds

Books on pregnancy loss

Picture books

Handmade cards for special events (birthdays, due dates, Father’s Day/Mother’s Day)

Stuffed animal

Storm produces hope

Today has been a very rough day. My 18 month old niece Bella had a cochlear implant done on her right ear and I think the stress of that in combination with the miscarriage was too much for me to take. I was having such a rough time. I'm not one that cries often and I just could not stop crying.

I had to go to the OB and was hoping to go back to work tonight but I was a basket case. He told me that he would not clear me for going back to work tonight and that he didn't want me going back until after Christmas but I talked him into letting me go back on Sunday.

ON TO THE GOOD NEWS: In the midst of the tears, I told him that I thought we really needed a perinatal hospice in our area. He said that he agreed and that when I get past this a little bit to call him and we could talk about it. I went home and started brainstorming about what I wanted it to look like and was so excited. I know that God does bring something beautiful out of the hard times that we go through in this life--so hopefully that's what this is. I've always felt like my calling was to be able to minister to people in the hospital setting and this would be perfect for me.

The other good news was that I was able to bring in something (I think it was the baby but we will see) to the dr. for testing. So we will see what happens with that.