Heaven

While we were at the OB yesterday we tried to explain to Josiah that the baby was in heaven. It was so sweet as he told us that the baby was right there on the screen. We spent much of the day trying to explain to him that the baby was no longer in my belly but was instead in heaven and that we were sad but we would be ok.

As I reflected more on this it breaks my heart to think that Virginia and the miscarried baby were there in heaven waiting for this baby. I could imagine the 3 of them hugging it out and my heart longs for the day when I can hold my 3 little ones in my arms. It is unbelievable to me that 3 of my immediate family members are in heaven--that's more than I have right here with me now.

It seems that Virginia's story and in a greater essence our story is a story of heartbreak and loss. The story seems to be defined by the words "no heartbeat". We went in yesterday for a regular OB appointment and he did the external ultrasound and said "it was fuzzy, your uterus is something, can I do an internal" He does the internal and I keep asking do you see the heartbeat and he tells me no and it should be right there, it should be right there. I feel so bad for the guy because you can tell that he's visibly angry--after we were done talking he threw the garbage away and we could tell that his heart was breaking for us.

He said because we had seen the heartbeat at 7 weeks that we should not have lost this baby and it points to a possible greater concern of a chromosomal condition (even though Virginia did not have one). He said that he would hand deliver the baby to the pathologist since with the last OB she did not do the chromosome study. He said that he would give us medication to start the labor but that would make it more painful (I later talked to Dr. N and he said that we should start the medication so that we are able to get the best chromosome sample). He also said that since I'm further along this time (2 weeks) that it will be more painful but he will be on the phone with us as often as we need it which is a huge help to us.

This just seems like a huge mistake to us--since I am not having any signs of losing the baby. I will be going in for an ultrasound this morning to confirm that there is no heartbeat and then we hope to be able to start the delivery.

My biggest concern is Josiah--he is madly in love with this baby. Every day he lays on my stomach and tells the baby how much he loves him or her. He sings his ABC's, Jesus Loves Me, Joy to the World, etc to the baby. He tells the baby that he or she needs to get big and strong so that we can go to the hospital in June.

We know that God is holding us in the palm of His hand but we can't understand why he let's us continue to get pregnant and start to have hopes and dreams for our baby's future only to take it away in such a painful way.