Thursday, December 30, 2010

End of the year thoughts

Tonight should be an interesting night as our church, Orland Park CRC, always tolls a bell for each person that has died this year. I asked our pastor about a month ago if Virginia was going to be included or not because I wasn't sure but he said she would be. I looked in the bulletin already for the service tonight and her name is listed. How sad it is to see your baby's name listed as one who has died this year. This is the one service that I really wanted to go to (we have been going to a church closer to us) and then of course I get put in nursery, but I actually think it might be for the best because I am going to be in the nursery with another mom who has also lost a baby (in fact Virginia is buried next to her son) and I figure if I start bawling she will understand :)

I have a lot of emotions too because I am taking a huge step for our family. We have been struggling financially and I have been applying for jobs for a while and could not find anything. I decided to apply for a full time third shift job thinking that I would never get the job and of course I got it. It is going to save us a ton of money on health insurance in addition to the income. I am so thankful that I have been able to stay home with Josiah for 2 1/2 years but am also sad because I wonder if he will be our only child here on earth and don't want to miss anything. I also know though that hopefully this extra income will maybe allow us to be able to try again to have another baby. I believe that God opened this door for our family and that He will allow each of us to adjust accordingly.

This year has been one of the most difficult for me personally, which is saying a lot, but I know too that God has carried us through this incredibly difficult time. I'm so thankful that He has provided such wonderful family and friends to walk alongside of us in the trials of life.

I always like to end a post with a couple of pictures. These are a couple of things that we received for Christmas from family members. It meant so much to us that people remembered that we are still grieving the loss of our babies.

This is a little hard to photograph but it says, Our baby in heaven, Virginia Rae, May 3, 2010

Thursday, December 23, 2010

One Year

This is my journal entry from December 23, 2009:

Wow! What a surprise that we had this morning. I have been feeling nauseous for the last week so I decided to take a pregnancy test. I ended up taking two because the first one seemed to be questionable. It is pretty hard for us to believe it because we have been trying to get pregnant for the last year and so far it hasn't worked. We are so excited and can't wait to meet you! We don't take for granted what a miracle your life is and will continue to pray for you as you grow within me and then later as you grow outside of me. (How sad that she never grew outside of me :( )

How hard it is for me to read those words a year later. As I reflect on last December, I had an appointment with my ob/gyn in the beginning of the month because we were having trouble getting pregnant. She gave us some suggestions and we were elated that we were pregnant just a few weeks later--it was definitely the best Christmas present that I have ever gotten. We were so excited as we told both of our families on Christmas Eve that we would be having another baby. I remember telling my parents that they would need 8 stockings instead of 7 and my mom not catching on right away :) It is going to be soo difficult tomorrow as we go to their house and see the twins who should only be a couple of months older than Virginia and then seeing only 7 stockings instead of 8. This Christmas is so hard for me too because there is no Christmas present that I want--the only thing that I want is to be able to hold Virginia in my arms.

This last year has been very difficult for our family--we have not only lost Virginia but also the loss of our miscarried baby. We also have lost Uncle Mart--who I loved soo much. Also right before Thanksgiving, my two little angels were there to welcome my cousin's son, Kellan, who was also born still at 18 weeks. It's so difficult to understand why this happens to so many people.

I still continue to struggle with so many different emotions regarding the passing of Virginia. It remains difficult to look at the pictures of her from when she was born--it breaks my heart that we don't have the "pretty" pictures of her. It makes me angry that we didn't receive a full explanation of what the dr's were seeing.

The loss of Virginia has been a difficult journey with a wide array of emotions attached to it. We are thankful for the many people that have walked alongside of us. We know that we will remember her and her angel friends every day. I've attached a couple of pictures that another angel mom from Facebook made for us. The butterfly is to signify the miscarriage. The snowman family is being used as our Christmas card--we wanted to be able to include Virginia and the miscarried baby in our Christmas this year.