What a night

Last night I was going to try and start the cytotec but I was still scared. It's so hard to know what to do when your OB tells you to take it but then the warnings from the pharmacist and the company that produces the medication says not to take it after 8 weeks to induce labor as it can cause a uterine rupture. Plus my OB did not prescribe any pain killers besides Ibuprofen which did not even touch the pain that I had been experiencing. So after many phone calls with family we decided to wait with the Cytotec.

I have been in pain since Thursday but the pain was coming much faster starting around 8 pm. Thankfully my sister in law called at 9 pm so that helped distract me for a half hour. Then Tim got home and I started walking the floors (I told him that I was probably going to make a hole in the floor). I was in sooooo much pain and was not getting a break in between the pain. Tim called the OB and begged him for a pain killer but he said that the Ibuprofen would be enough (unless these doctors have gone through this--there is no reason I should not have a pain killer, people who give birth to healthy babies have pain killers). I was in a state of panic from about 10-12:30 since I couldn't find a way to alleviate the pain. In that moment I was pretty much praying for an end to it all. If we are ever blessed with a healthy pregnancy I should be a rock star :) At about 12:30 I sat on the couch and was able to calm myself down a little and I was getting a break in between the pain and then at about 1-1:30 we fell asleep. I don't think that everything is done so we'll see what the next couple of days bring.

So confused

I hate having to make such important decisions. I still have not started the Cytotec because I'm scared to death but we really want to get this baby delivered so that I can get back to work (this time off is all unpaid which is not good for us). The scary thing with Cytotec is that I took it with Virginia and it was extremely painful. All I have been given at home is Ibuprofen. Plus, I read the pharmacy sheet and it said after 8 weeks this medication should not be given to induce labor as it can cause uterine rupture. The baby was measuring between 9-4 and 9-6 on Wednesday. I've been reading some of the user reviews on the internet and it is so scary. Then, I talked to the dr. and his words weren't comforting either. I know that the Bible says that God won't give you more than you can handle but at times it seems like He's tiptoeing on that line. It's enough that we had to lose the baby--it would be so much more helpful if my body could just let go of it without medicine :(

Favorite Picture

Tim took this picture today and I absolutely love it, even though it is bittersweet. I wanted another picture while I still have the baby inside of me. I decided to have the ultrasound picture with me and Tim got it really up close. I love too that you can see the Mom of Angels bracelet that I am wearing. I know that I will treasure this picture forever!

Weak

I don't think that I'm strong enough to do this.

Yesterday I went for the follow-up ultrasound and they said that the baby looked perfect but unfortunately he or she just didn't have a heartbeat. You can see the head on the left, the body and the arms and legs in the obvious places.



I'm starting to have some cramping and pain but I'm supposed to be starting the Cytotec today. (This is the medication that I had with Virginia). I'm just not sure if I'm strong enough to start the medication myself to expel the baby from my body. The baby is supposed to be inside of me growing--it's just sooooo sad. Plus I am scared of the pain (it's better than the alternative of the D&C) but they are predicting that it's going to be worse with this baby because we are 2 weeks further along. The baby is still measuring between 9 weeks 4 days and 9 weeks 6 days. With the last miscarriage the baby was measuring at 8 weeks 1 day and then was gone inside of me for over 2 weeks which makes the baby smaller.

Heaven

While we were at the OB yesterday we tried to explain to Josiah that the baby was in heaven. It was so sweet as he told us that the baby was right there on the screen. We spent much of the day trying to explain to him that the baby was no longer in my belly but was instead in heaven and that we were sad but we would be ok.

As I reflected more on this it breaks my heart to think that Virginia and the miscarried baby were there in heaven waiting for this baby. I could imagine the 3 of them hugging it out and my heart longs for the day when I can hold my 3 little ones in my arms. It is unbelievable to me that 3 of my immediate family members are in heaven--that's more than I have right here with me now.

It seems that Virginia's story and in a greater essence our story is a story of heartbreak and loss. The story seems to be defined by the words "no heartbeat". We went in yesterday for a regular OB appointment and he did the external ultrasound and said "it was fuzzy, your uterus is something, can I do an internal" He does the internal and I keep asking do you see the heartbeat and he tells me no and it should be right there, it should be right there. I feel so bad for the guy because you can tell that he's visibly angry--after we were done talking he threw the garbage away and we could tell that his heart was breaking for us.

He said because we had seen the heartbeat at 7 weeks that we should not have lost this baby and it points to a possible greater concern of a chromosomal condition (even though Virginia did not have one). He said that he would hand deliver the baby to the pathologist since with the last OB she did not do the chromosome study. He said that he would give us medication to start the labor but that would make it more painful (I later talked to Dr. N and he said that we should start the medication so that we are able to get the best chromosome sample). He also said that since I'm further along this time (2 weeks) that it will be more painful but he will be on the phone with us as often as we need it which is a huge help to us.

This just seems like a huge mistake to us--since I am not having any signs of losing the baby. I will be going in for an ultrasound this morning to confirm that there is no heartbeat and then we hope to be able to start the delivery.

My biggest concern is Josiah--he is madly in love with this baby. Every day he lays on my stomach and tells the baby how much he loves him or her. He sings his ABC's, Jesus Loves Me, Joy to the World, etc to the baby. He tells the baby that he or she needs to get big and strong so that we can go to the hospital in June.

We know that God is holding us in the palm of His hand but we can't understand why he let's us continue to get pregnant and start to have hopes and dreams for our baby's future only to take it away in such a painful way.

Check it out!

It's been sooo long since I've posted but I have some pretty exciting news. I am now the blog moderator for The Haven Network's blog. It is a big honor for me to be able to minister to the families at The Haven Network like they have ministered to us. I'm never very confident in myself but I'm hoping that my short little posts will allow some discussion and healing for these families.

The blog can be found at:

http://www.thehavennetwork.org/blog/

I would love to hear from you if you have any other ideas for topics!!