Virginia's 1st Birthday

We are doing something special for Virginia's 1st birthday and would love for you to check it out here.

Advocate

I've been thinking a lot about Virginia lately--it's crazy that a year ago we were so excited to be pregnant and a lot of those memories are coming back. As I reflect on her life and look back on my journal entries, I realize that I should have done more. I look back on all of my OB appointments with her and at EVERY appointment something went wrong. My first appt. with Dr. S. she had said that she did not need to do an u/s unless something was wrong--well, she did an u/s. The next couple of appointments, they had trouble finding the heartbeat at each one of them and usually ended up doing an ultrasound.

If I could go back to any time in my life I would go back to April 8, 2010 and have clarity of thought. April 8 was the day that we received the news that Virginia had no chance of survival. We had an hour long ultrasound (where we still had no idea that anything was seriously wrong). Afterwards we met with the genetic counselor. This is where I would love to go back to. I would have demanded that I speak with a Maternal Fetal OB. That person would have walked us through the ultrasound and showed us exactly what they were seeing with our baby. I would have requested the ultrasound pictures along with the ultrasound video. I would have asked for a second opinion with a OB who has specialized with this condition.

I feel like as a mother my greatest job is to be an advocate for my children and I know that I advocated for Virginia but I know that we were just so overwhelmed by all of this that we could have done things differently.

I wish too that I would have kept my care with a Maternal Fetal Physician as opposed to my OB. My greatest desire was to be able to hold my baby and touch her skin, count her fingers, her toes, etc. I was able to hold her but it was sooo hard to look at her body. I wasn't able to count her fingers or her toes. In fact, I didn't even look at her belly or her arms. I could not even differentiate between the different aspects of her face.

Extreme Makeover Home Edition

We were watching EMHE last Sunday night and as they are describing the family they say that the little boy was born with Hydrops Fetalis. I had to pause the tv and just stop for a second because I wasn't sure if I could continue to watch it. This is the same condition that took the life of Virginia (but she also had cystic hygroma--fluid behind her neck). I found it to be very bittersweet as well because I am happy for this family that their little guy survived this terrible condition, I am also glad that it will bring national publicity to this disease but it also means that another family has been affected by this disease.

I had never heard of hydrops before I had Virginia and it just breaks my heart that I hear of it sooo often now. There is just not enough being done for this disease. No parent should be told in a geneticists office that there is nothing that they can do for their baby and that there is no hope. Obviously there is hope because there are babies that are surviving this condition. I think that part of my mission is to try to bring more awareness to this disease--even if it just helps families to know what to expect.

Rainbows

In the last couple of weeks, I have seen two rainbows peeking through the clouds when it was not raining or anything like that. It was not a full rainbow just a partial one.

Each time I saw this, in one way it hurt a little because after you have a perinatal loss people say that they are having a "rainbow baby". There are soooo many people that are now pregnant with their rainbow baby's that lost a baby at the same time as Virginia. I am definitely happy that they are pregnant but would also like to be pregnant as well (I would be 32 weeks if I had not miscarried.

The other thing that ran through my mind is that God keeps His promises. I may not have as many kids as I would like but He is still there with me carrying me through whatever storms I may go through in life.

I do not recall seeing many rainbows in December but know that God is showing me that He is waiting for me.

Dear Josiah

I wanted to write you this letter since I won't be writing in your journal again until you turn 3 in June (I can't believe that you will be three then)!

You have been such a big boy this year as there have been soo many changes in our lives this year. We were so excited at the beginning of 2010 because you were going to be a big brother. Our world came crashing down when your little sister was born still in May. We were so proud of you though as you did well with mommy and daddy being gone twice while trying to deliver your sister. This was the longest amount of time that we had been away from you and you did sooo well.

Your other biggest achievement has been your speech. In the beginning of the year you were struggling so much with talking and now you are doing soo much. You can say your ABC's with no problems. You are able to spell your name, daddy, mommy and Ida.

Another big achievement has been that you are toilet trained except for at night--you have been doing this consistently since May!

We have been going to a church closer to our house and you have been doing excellent going in to the nursery. Mr. W. teaches you a Bible lesson and when we come to pick you up you are so excited to show us your papers. This brought a tear to mommy's eye the first time that I went to pick you up.

As we reflect on this last year, it has been an extremely painful one with the loss of your sister, Virginia and then the miscarriage. We are so thankful that God has blessed us with you and that you are such a little miracle. You have the best hugs ever and are such a cuddly little guy!

I know that this new year is going to bring even more changes in your life as mommy begins working full time third shift. My biggest struggle is how this is going to affect you since you are such a mommy's boy. I struggle so much with it because if you are our only earthly child I want to be with you every second that I can but I know that this job will help us out financially and hopefully we can try again to have another baby (you love babies so much and it breaks my heart that you don't have a brother or a sister here on earth). I know that you will be in wonderful hands with grandma and that I will be with you as much as possible. I love you so much and pray that you will do well with all of these changes!
Love you Siah!
Mommy

End of the year thoughts

Tonight should be an interesting night as our church, Orland Park CRC, always tolls a bell for each person that has died this year. I asked our pastor about a month ago if Virginia was going to be included or not because I wasn't sure but he said she would be. I looked in the bulletin already for the service tonight and her name is listed. How sad it is to see your baby's name listed as one who has died this year. This is the one service that I really wanted to go to (we have been going to a church closer to us) and then of course I get put in nursery, but I actually think it might be for the best because I am going to be in the nursery with another mom who has also lost a baby (in fact Virginia is buried next to her son) and I figure if I start bawling she will understand :)

I have a lot of emotions too because I am taking a huge step for our family. We have been struggling financially and I have been applying for jobs for a while and could not find anything. I decided to apply for a full time third shift job thinking that I would never get the job and of course I got it. It is going to save us a ton of money on health insurance in addition to the income. I am so thankful that I have been able to stay home with Josiah for 2 1/2 years but am also sad because I wonder if he will be our only child here on earth and don't want to miss anything. I also know though that hopefully this extra income will maybe allow us to be able to try again to have another baby. I believe that God opened this door for our family and that He will allow each of us to adjust accordingly.

This year has been one of the most difficult for me personally, which is saying a lot, but I know too that God has carried us through this incredibly difficult time. I'm so thankful that He has provided such wonderful family and friends to walk alongside of us in the trials of life.

I always like to end a post with a couple of pictures. These are a couple of things that we received for Christmas from family members. It meant so much to us that people remembered that we are still grieving the loss of our babies.

This is a little hard to photograph but it says, Our baby in heaven, Virginia Rae, May 3, 2010

One Year

This is my journal entry from December 23, 2009:

Wow! What a surprise that we had this morning. I have been feeling nauseous for the last week so I decided to take a pregnancy test. I ended up taking two because the first one seemed to be questionable. It is pretty hard for us to believe it because we have been trying to get pregnant for the last year and so far it hasn't worked. We are so excited and can't wait to meet you! We don't take for granted what a miracle your life is and will continue to pray for you as you grow within me and then later as you grow outside of me. (How sad that she never grew outside of me :( )

How hard it is for me to read those words a year later. As I reflect on last December, I had an appointment with my ob/gyn in the beginning of the month because we were having trouble getting pregnant. She gave us some suggestions and we were elated that we were pregnant just a few weeks later--it was definitely the best Christmas present that I have ever gotten. We were so excited as we told both of our families on Christmas Eve that we would be having another baby. I remember telling my parents that they would need 8 stockings instead of 7 and my mom not catching on right away :) It is going to be soo difficult tomorrow as we go to their house and see the twins who should only be a couple of months older than Virginia and then seeing only 7 stockings instead of 8. This Christmas is so hard for me too because there is no Christmas present that I want--the only thing that I want is to be able to hold Virginia in my arms.

This last year has been very difficult for our family--we have not only lost Virginia but also the loss of our miscarried baby. We also have lost Uncle Mart--who I loved soo much. Also right before Thanksgiving, my two little angels were there to welcome my cousin's son, Kellan, who was also born still at 18 weeks. It's so difficult to understand why this happens to so many people.

I still continue to struggle with so many different emotions regarding the passing of Virginia. It remains difficult to look at the pictures of her from when she was born--it breaks my heart that we don't have the "pretty" pictures of her. It makes me angry that we didn't receive a full explanation of what the dr's were seeing.

The loss of Virginia has been a difficult journey with a wide array of emotions attached to it. We are thankful for the many people that have walked alongside of us. We know that we will remember her and her angel friends every day. I've attached a couple of pictures that another angel mom from Facebook made for us. The butterfly is to signify the miscarriage. The snowman family is being used as our Christmas card--we wanted to be able to include Virginia and the miscarried baby in our Christmas this year.