Memories Part II

Today I spent some time talking to our doctor's office. I told the nurse that I felt that their office washed their hands of me when I left the hospital--she disagreed and said that the D & E was my only option.

I called the dr's office in Champaign and made an appointment for Tuesday morning but after researching on their website I decided that I was not comfortable with them so I canceled the appt.

I then swallowed all of my pride and spoke with the geneticist at the University of C. She said that they have a physician that does the procedure and I was a little bit more comfortable with her background. I have an appt. scheduled with her for a consultation on Thursday.

My mom helped out with Josiah today which was wonderful and then the rest of the family came over for dinner and then we took some more pictures.

Memories

Yesterday was a day of grieving for us--grieving of the loss of a "normal" delivery. Today we sought to make memories that we might not get with the D & E.

We ended up going out by Jeff & Lisa and taking a picture of their family with the baby.


Then we went to Tim's parents and his brothers were also there with their families. We took some pictures with each family.





We then went to a portrait studio and had some pictures taken of the four of us. It was just wonderful to see the pictures of the four of us and we will treasure them for the rest of our lives.

Devastation

Today was another extremely difficult and frustrating day for us. I was still having contractions every 2 minutes that were strong. The baby seemed to be moving down as well.

Dr. S. came in at 9 am and said that I was still not dilated and that something more should have been happening. She said that if I was not in labor by 2 pm I would be discharged and would either need to go to Champaign or Chicago to have surgery to remove the baby.

I was completely shocked by the words that were coming out of her mouth. Just 12 hours earlier she said we were moving forward and the baby was coming down. Now she was not giving us any other options except for the surgery.

We just sobbed throughout the morning at the way things were going. Our little baby had a fatal diagnosis, did pass away and we could not deliver this baby naturally.

At 2 pm we spoke with Dr. S. on the telephone. She said that the baby could remain in me for 1-2 weeks (even though when we met with her on April 8th she said that it could take six weeks before the death of the baby could affect me). She said that the complications would be infection or a blood clotting disorder. She said that the surgery would take between a half hour and an hour. She did not know what the condition of the baby would be after the surgery. She also said that the surgery was called a Dilation & Evacuation

Dancing with the angels

Today was another very difficult day. I felt a little bit "different" today so I called my doctor's office and explained what I was feeling. They humored me and allowed me to come in for a heartbeat check. Two nurses tried to find the heartbeat with the doppler and were unable to find the heartbeat. Dr. S. came in and did an ultrasound and she was unable to find the heartbeat. It was so difficult to see my baby on the screen and know that he or she is no longer alive. I think that Josiah knew something was wrong too because as he sat in his stroller--all he could do was cry. The doctor wanted me to go to the hospital and have a second ultrasound. After I left the office I called Tim and my mom. My sister ended up picking up Tim and bringing him to the hospital. Lisa took Josiah back to our house to be cared for by my mom. We went over to the hospital to have the second ultrasound. Unfortunately the hospital would not let Tim come in to the room with me for the ultrasound. The technician was hiding the screen and I told her that I knew that the baby had passed--the ultrasound was meant to confirm the doctor's findings. Then she let me see the screen and said that the baby had no amniotic fluid. She said that could not determine the sex. She also said that the cystic hygroma was down the back. The doctor called after the ultrasound and confirmed that the baby had passed away.

She said that we would go in to the hospital that night for the induction but there were a couple of things that needed to be discussed. The first thing that she told me was that the baby had to be delivered vaginally and we could not have a c-section because the baby was too little. The second thing she said that the placenta may not come out during delivery and that I may need a D & C after the delivery. The third thing that was a complete shock to us was that there was a possibility that the baby could not be delivered and we would have to go up north to have a procedure done.

I was terrified about these things since they had not been discussed with me two weeks earlier. At that time the only thing that was discussed with me was that I would deliver vaginally or through a c-section. I think this was a terrible time to find these things out. Thankfully God provided a phone call as we were leaving from a wonderful Christian friend who had no idea what was going on but prayed with me on the phone.

We went home and got everything ready to go back to the hospital. I was soooooooooooo nervous and trying not to be upset in front of Josiah.

When we arrived at the hospital, we found that one of our favorite nurses was working--she was with us when we were delivering Josiah. Dr. T. came in and calmed our fears. He said that he was not worried about a uterine rupture and did not think that there would be any complications.

From Daddy

Dear little one,

It has been difficult to put my words on paper since we were told about your condition. Writing to you now makes this all so real and forces me to realize that you will probably never read these words.

The hardest thing is hearing the doctors tell us there is no hope for saving you, all the while knowing we serve and trust a God we know can perform miracles. We don't know if God has any plans for you here on earth but if He doesn't I know He has a far better life awaiting you in Heaven.

I wish I knew if you were a boy or a girl so that I could address you more specifically. It makes me so sad knowing that your little body is so swelled that we can't even make out your features. We love you just the same, you have been loved since the day we learned you were inside of Mommy and we will love you on the day you are born and forever after that.

I want nothing more than to be able to go into your mother's womb and save you. To somehow take away the conditions that are attacking your precious little body. But I can't and the doctors say they can't and it is SOO frustrating. I think about you so much. Sometimes it makes it so hard to sleep, other times I have a hard time concentrating at work. It makes me mad that I can't help you.

I wish that I could see your smile and look into your eyes, so new and full of life. Watch you learn to do so many things, all the while being loved so much by me, your mom and your brother. I long to watch you and Josiah play together. He is such a a sweet and caring little boy and I know he would be so good to you. He would just love you so much. It is probably fortunate that he doesn't really understand what is happening to you right now. But he will know you and he will experience our love for you, and in turn love you as well.

There are tons of people praying for you. Some are praying for your comfort. Some are praying for a miracle and that you will defy all odds. Mostly they are praying for mommy and me, that mommy would stay safe and that we will have the strength to make it through this, even when our fears make us weak. We have the peace of knowing that you are fearfully and wonderfully made. You are God's design and even if it doesn't make sense to us, He knows what He is doing.

Know that we cannot wait to meet you. We cannot wait to hold you and tell you how much we love you. You are a gift from God and we will treasure you.

4 D Ultrasound

Today we had another ultrasound. The purpose of this ultrasound was purely to have another picture of the baby. We were able to get one good picture of the baby. He or she had his or her hand right by their face just like Josiah always did. So sweet!!

From Mommy

My dear little one,
This continues to be such a difficult time for all of us. We can't believe that this is God's plan for all of our lives. We know that your big brother Josiah would have LOVED having you around. He is such a gentle boy who loves to give hugs and kisses and cuddle. He would have been so good to you.

I know too that if you are a girl that you would have had daddy wrapped around your little finger even though I think that you will always be a daddy's girl whether you are here on earth or whether you are in heaven.

We know that our Heavenly Father has a plan for you and we seek every moment to trust Him and lean on Him for strength.

If you are a girl it is our desire for you to be named Virginia Rae. Your great grandma B's middle name is Virginia and we want to honor her by naming you this. She is a fabulous Christian woman who loves the Lord with all of her heart and it is our prayer that whether you are on this earth of you go to heaven that you will seek to bring glory and honor to God. We know that if you do that you will be following in the footsteps of your great grandma B.

Our baby's story

On April 3, 2010, we went for an 18 week ultrasound for our baby. We were really looking forward to seeing the gender but unfortunately, the technician was unable to find it. We were able to get a couple of pictures of the baby.

On Monday April 6th I received a telephone call from my doctor's office saying that the baby had fluid in the abdomen and they wanted us to go to the University of Chicago for further ultrasound. I got off of the telephone and started bawling. I called Tim and was so upset. Later I received another telephone call from the doctor's office encouraging us to get an amniocentesis of the baby. We decided that we did not want to have the amnio unless there was something medically that they could do for the baby in utero. Later they called during the day saying the appointment was set for Thursday at 9 am.

We went to the University of Chicago on Thursday morning and were able to see Jeff and Lisa before they went in for their ultrasound. We were called in to Room 3 for the ultrasound. The ultrasound took about an hour and the baby seemed to have a good strong heartbeat of 161. We went to the waiting room for a couple of minutes and then were called back by the geneticist.

The first thing she asked us was what we had been told. We told her that the baby had fluid in the abdomen. She said that they were concerned about fluid in the abdomen and in the neck and these were both confirmed. She also said that the baby had a condition that they were very worried about which was called cystic hygroma which is a large pocket of fluid behind the neck. This condition gives the baby only a 10% chance of having a "normal" outcome.

Then she told us that the even more concerning condition was the hydrops. The hydrops is basically fluid that is everywhere in the body including the lungs, abdomen and underneath the skin. She said that this condition has a 100% mortality rate and that there was no hope.
We were obviously completely stunned (we had done a little research and had read some bad things so we were a little prepared but we were trying to hold out some hope). We really did not know where to go with the conversation. She offered the option to terminate the pregnancy but this was something that we did not want to do. She explained that the baby would most likely die in utero but it could happen any time between today and our due date of September 1st.
She expressed her condolences and we went back to the waiting room. The brevity of the situation really did not hit us until we began to make the telephone calls and that is when I began to sob. It was sooooooooooo hard to think about this life that we had waited soo long for and prayed for sooo hard was now not going to be a part of our lives.

We ended up going to meet with Dr. S. to talk with her. She said that she would continue to follow us and that we would give birth in our area. She said that there was a "possibility" that you would be alive "for a little bit". She said that I would start to be seen every two weeks.

It feels like as I am writing this that this is all a bad dream. We know that God has a purpose for your life and we love you more than you will ever know. We know too that if God wanted to heal you that He could. We also know that we don't want you to suffer and the doctors assure us that you are not suffering in utero. We were so looking forward to you being in our lives forever.