Dancing with the angels

Today was another very difficult day. I felt a little bit "different" today so I called my doctor's office and explained what I was feeling. They humored me and allowed me to come in for a heartbeat check. Two nurses tried to find the heartbeat with the doppler and were unable to find the heartbeat. Dr. S. came in and did an ultrasound and she was unable to find the heartbeat. It was so difficult to see my baby on the screen and know that he or she is no longer alive. I think that Josiah knew something was wrong too because as he sat in his stroller--all he could do was cry. The doctor wanted me to go to the hospital and have a second ultrasound. After I left the office I called Tim and my mom. My sister ended up picking up Tim and bringing him to the hospital. Lisa took Josiah back to our house to be cared for by my mom. We went over to the hospital to have the second ultrasound. Unfortunately the hospital would not let Tim come in to the room with me for the ultrasound. The technician was hiding the screen and I told her that I knew that the baby had passed--the ultrasound was meant to confirm the doctor's findings. Then she let me see the screen and said that the baby had no amniotic fluid. She said that could not determine the sex. She also said that the cystic hygroma was down the back. The doctor called after the ultrasound and confirmed that the baby had passed away.

She said that we would go in to the hospital that night for the induction but there were a couple of things that needed to be discussed. The first thing that she told me was that the baby had to be delivered vaginally and we could not have a c-section because the baby was too little. The second thing she said that the placenta may not come out during delivery and that I may need a D & C after the delivery. The third thing that was a complete shock to us was that there was a possibility that the baby could not be delivered and we would have to go up north to have a procedure done.

I was terrified about these things since they had not been discussed with me two weeks earlier. At that time the only thing that was discussed with me was that I would deliver vaginally or through a c-section. I think this was a terrible time to find these things out. Thankfully God provided a phone call as we were leaving from a wonderful Christian friend who had no idea what was going on but prayed with me on the phone.

We went home and got everything ready to go back to the hospital. I was soooooooooooo nervous and trying not to be upset in front of Josiah.

When we arrived at the hospital, we found that one of our favorite nurses was working--she was with us when we were delivering Josiah. Dr. T. came in and calmed our fears. He said that he was not worried about a uterine rupture and did not think that there would be any complications.