April Showers

I knew that April 3rd comes after the 2nd but I seriously gasped when I looked at my phone this morning and saw that it was the third of April. You see April brings back so many bad memories. In fact, I would say that April is a month of "showers of tears" for our family. April 3, 2010 was the day that we went for our routine 18 week ultrasound. Tim's parents came out to watch Josiah so that we could have our undivided attention on the ultrasound. We continued to fall in love with our baby as we saw her (even though we didn't find out her gender until much later). We thought she was absolutely beautiful and could not wait until she would join our family. The ultrasound was on a Saturday and then on Monday morning as I was on my way to do a job with the census we got a call that we needed to go "up north" for further testing because there was fluid on her abdomen. They kept pushing for an amniocentisis (which they knew there was fluid behind her neck which they didn't tell us at the time) and we didn't understand what their insistence was (until later when we realized that this fluid was A HUGE DEAL). The next day 30 days were a whirlwind of emotions as we tried to set up a plan if she lived, if she died, what memories we wanted to create when she was delivered. Then after she died and we were unsuccessful at our first delivery we went through an even greater loss as we tried to create a new plan--if we would be able to hold her and create memories or if it would be more of a surgical procedure with no closure. This month is one that I wish we could just take off of the calendar but we press on