Recommended Reading

I am reading a wonderful book called Holding on to Hope by Nancy Guthrie. It's a very short book that parallels the story of Job to the suffering that people go through in their lives.

One of my favorite quotes is from page 11--"Our culture wants to put the Band-Aid of heaven on the hurt of losing someone we love...But they don't understand how far away heaven feels, and how long the future seems..." This is so hard for people around us who want us to just "move on". We know that we will not stop talking or grieving over the loss of Virginia and the baby that we lost through miscarriage. We know that both of the babies are in heaven but it doesn't minimize our loss at all.

A very difficult concept for me to grasp is that all of us need to hold on to everything in our lives loosely. We are just stewards of the gifts that God has given us--we are not entitled to them. This is really difficult even though I try to make God #1 in my life--so often I let other things or people come before Him.

Another thing that really resonated with me is that even though I don't want to leave my family here on earth--I have two of my children already in heaven--it gives me yet another perspective of heaven and a yearning to see both of them.

I've really struggled recently with hearing about people talk about having faith for healing. I fully understand that there are parables in the Bible talking about faith the size of a mustard seed moving mountains ... Sometimes I think that God can bring so much glory out of the suffering and the times that the healing does not happen. Yes, I would much rather have everyone that I know and love be healthy and happy but unfortunately there is sin in the world. The author talks about this as well and says that most people pray for the healing and add a ps about if it is God's will and that it really should be the other way around. We should pray that we would allow God to be glorified in our lives no matter what happens (definitely easier said than done) but it's something that we should all strive towards.

I have no idea why we had to lose Virginia and the baby through miscarriage but I know that God will be with us during this difficult time. I've seen so many other Christian people create such wonderful ministries because of the losses in their lives (I definitely pray that we could all help other people without the suffering). It's my prayer that God would use us to minister to people that are also suffering and that through those ministries that the story of both babies would live on.

Due Date

Today was Virginia's due date and was also 4 months since her delivery.

I really had a hard time earlier in the week. We went to church on Sunday and there just seemed to be babies everywhere and there was a baptism which made it even more difficult. On Monday night I cried so hard as I was thinking about what should have been--that was so good for me though as I let go of those feelings.

Tim was able to take the day off of work today which was soo nice. We went out to the cemetery this morning and brought out a red rose for her. We really had such a nice time there as we remembered her.


I was going to try and work on a scrapbook for her while Josiah took a nap--we got all of the pictures separated in to separate pages so hopefully I will be able to get those in this weekend.

We received a lovely delivery too. Joel and Beth sent us a beautiful flower arrangement that really helped to brighten our day. We also received a scrapbook page, a couple of pictures of Virginia and a book from The Haven Network. They did such a great job of photoshopping a couple of Virginia's pictures--they look fabulous. The scrapbook page is soo nice that we made it the first page of Virginia's scrapbook!




We wanted to do a balloon send off for Virginia so we got 5 balloons for each of us and attached a little note to them to anyone that received them (if you did please leave us a note of where you are from). Josiah also colored a picture for Virginia which we attached to a balloon. We have a little garden in the backyard for Virginia which includes a little angel. As we were walking out there, Josiah walked over to the angel and gave it a hug--it was the cutest thing ever! He would have made such a good big brother--it breaks our heart but we pray that we will be able to get pregnant again and have a healthy baby.



We know that this day went so well thanks to the prayers of so many people. We thank all of you for the support that you have given us as we walk this road of suffering. We thank God for His grace that He provides for us and that He provides wonderful Christian people to walk alongside of us.

Walking with me

I just wanted to thank Kelly at Sufficient Grace Ministries so much for posting our story on Walking with You.

This week has been extremely difficult for me. On Monday I received the ultrasound images that I had requested from the hospital and I was so disappointed with them. I only received three of them and they just made me soo sad. I spent much of the afternoon crying and quite honestly feeling sorry for myself.

Monday night I realized that our story had been posted and I received so many words of encouragement on the blog. God knew just when to use Kelly to give us the encouragement that we needed. I appreciate each and every comment that I have received and each of your stories has touched my heart. It breaks my heart that so many of us have been affected by the loss of our babies.

We did receive good news today that we will not need a D&C since the natural miscarriage worked. We are so thankful for that. Our next big hurdle is passing Virginia's due date of September 3--quite honestly I'm terrified of the day and am not sure what to do to remember her that day. Unfortunately my husband can't get out of work for the whole day with all the time off that he took with Virginia so we'll have to see.

Again, I can't thank each of you enough for your words of encouragement--you have been the body of Christ to me and walked alongside of me in my valley.

Day of Hope

As many of you know, we suffered the loss of Virginia in May but are also going through a miscarriage now (I would be almost 11 weeks). This has been so difficult over the past couple of months. It's so hard because we want to talk about Virginia and this baby but society some times dismisses these lives because "something was wrong with the baby".


Today has been designated as a Day of Hope (by the people who do To Write Their Names in the Sand). It is a day to speak out about miscarriage, stillbirth and loss of life after birth.


I can't tell you how touching it was to see soo many of my facebook friends change their pictures to remember the children that they have lost. It is so terribly sad but thankfully we now have a day dedicated to bringing awareness that the loss of life no matter how early is awful and should be openly talked about by those around us.

Today, we REMEMBER these little ones and so many others ...

Angels

This week I got a wonderful package in the mail from Pete & Kristi. It is a wonderful little figurine that is called Angels Embrace



It comforts me that Virginia is there to greet her brother or sister but also makes me so sad that both of my little babies are not here with me. (We ask too that you continue to keep Pete & Kristi in your prayers. Pete is a chaplain with the armed forces and just went overseas to minister to the men and women in the armed forces. Kristi is such a strong Christian woman but she remains here in the US with her four children, including a newborn)

My birthday

I celebrated my birthday today even though I did not want to. I'm not that much of a birthday person anyway and then to know that I am waiting on miscarrying our miracle baby seemed like only too much to handle.

We actually went out to my brother and sister in laws to celebrate the baptism of my twin nieces. We did not go to the actual service because it was a little too hard after realizing that we have lost two babies in the last three months but we were there for the celebration afterwards. I really enjoyed seeing the girls again and was able to hold Gloriana for a long time.

After we got home, Tim gave me this beautiful picture frame with Virginia's name drawn in the sand (To Write Their Names in the Sand did it a while ago). It is absolutely beautiful and was the perfect gift for me as I remember my sweet little girl and await the miscarriage.

Untitled

I thought that this week was going to be one of the best weeks in my life. Tim & I had been keeping a little secret--we found out that we were pregnant on July 3 which was the halfway point between Virginia's birth and delivery date. This was also my grandpa's birthday and the baby was going to be due March 12 which is near my grandma's birthday. We thought that this baby was a miracle and that we would have a healthy little baby.

Unfortunately, I had a little trouble and went to the dr. I had to go in by myself because Tim had to stay home with Josiah and the little girl I was babysitting. The dr. finally saw me at about 6 pm and did an u/s but could not see everything and then did an internal one. He and the nurse kept looking at the screen without saying anything. He finally said that he did not see the heartbeat--he said that at 8 weeks he should have no problem seeing the heartbeat. He said that I should get in contact with Dr. N. to see if he thought we should do a chromosome study on the baby. To say that I was devastated would be an understatement--I began crying and continued as I was walking down the hall--the dr. saw me and gave me a hug :)

I started calling people on the way home as I bawled my eyes out--I could not believe that this was happening again to me. We had an u/s at 5 weeks and saw the sac--today I could see the baby (which I could not see last time) so he said that the baby had definitely grown a lot in the three weeks. It also looked like the baby had just passed because it was measuring at 8 weeks 1 day and I was probably about 8 weeks 2 days.

Now we have to try to figure out what to do ....