Sufficient Grace

I found another wonderful resource on-line recently. It is called Sufficient Grace Ministries. This is an organization that provides comfort to families that have lost their child. I received a comfort bear in the mail and a Dreams of You binder to record our memories of my pregnancy, delivery and dreams for Virginia.



It also includes the founder of Sufficient Grace Ministries' story of the loss of her three children and wonderful Bible verses. I can't wait to fill out the information in there but I also know how hard it will be.

I find that when I have been thinking about Virginia a lot that it is harder for me to go to sleep and tonight is one of those nights. (I hope that if I am able to write down some of my thoughts that sleep would come easier)

It seems so much more real that she is not here when we are celebrating a specific event (birthday, vacation, etc). It reminds me so much of what we are missing.

I think of Virginia so much throughout the day. I see other people that are pregnant around the same time as us and I realize all that should be happening.

There are just so many emotions that surround the loss of my baby in utero. I think there is so much shock--even now after almost 2 months it sometimes feels unreal. There is so much sadness too as we reflect on what should have been. There is joy also as we remember the good memories before the diagnosis and those times too when Virginia would kick me. We also rejoice that she is perfect in heaven (although we would rather have her here). We also continue to be so thankful for the wonderful delivery and the medical professionals that supported us at E. Hospital. And of course there is the guilt--I wonder if we did enough for her, if we should have fought for a second opinion faster so that we could have known specifically what they were seeing, my reaction to the delivery, etc. The best emotion is the love that we continue to feel from family, friends and strangers.

It is my prayer for anyone that is suffering through a loss of whatever it may be that they would be able to be surrounded by a wonderful Christian community who can carry them through their trial.

Sadness and Joy

This weekend we have had a lot of joy but definitely some sadness. Tomorrow Josiah will turn two. I think that his birthday would have been so much easier for me if I was still pregnant with Virginia. I love the infant/baby stage and Josiah is definitely out of that (even though he is a fabulous cuddler).

While everyone was singing happy birthday to him I started to get teary eyed as I thought about how different this birthday was supposed to be for us. We were sooo looking forward to having Virginia and we miss her so much.

But we are thankful that we have been blessed with Josiah and he is such a wonderful little guy. He did such a great job today even though it's not his thing with so many people over. We love you Siah!!

Virginia's name in the sand

When we received the diagnosis on Virginia I looked all over the place for information on hydrops and cystic hygroma. So much of the information on the web is for medical professionals and loses so much of the baby that is in the womb. I was so happy to find a page on facebook that was dedicated strictly to hydrops (many of the women had babies with hygroma as well). It was so sad to read of their stories but it was a comfort to be able to read them as well and know what to expect.

A short time ago there was a post about the organization To Write Their Names in the Sand. This woman takes names of children that have passed away and draws their names on the sand in Mullalo Point in Western Australia. It is difficult to get your name submitted because the website is in such demand. Thankfully a wonderfully woman on the facebook page allowed us to collectively submit our babies names. The woman who drew Virginia's name in the sand did it multiple times because she was not satisfied with the result (we really appreciate the time that she took to do this) and I received a message today that Virginia's name has now been posted on the website. I wanted to share the link for the picture--it is absolutely beautiful and means so much to us!

Random Picture

I was looking through the pictures of Virginia--it's so hard to look at the pictures--I think that this is something that I will be sad about for the rest of my life but ...

I wanted to put this picture up--this is on the night before Virginia passed and this is the first time that I was able to get a picture of Josiah giving her a kiss. I think that he might have known that this was his last time to show his sister some affection. It will always be such a treasured picture for me. Unfortunately he was not able to hold his sister but he was able to give her a kiss before she went to heaven.


(Hopefully my grandma won't see this picture because she doesn't like pregnant belly shots)

Body of Christ

Lately I have been thinking about the body of Christ and how it manifests itself in our world today.

After the loss of Virginia I could see the body of Christ and it was displayed in different ways--here is my interpretation ...

Ears--We have had many people who have come alongside of us and just listened to us without saying anything. This is such a comfort when you are going through a trial just to have someone listen to you without saying much. We know that Jesus would be the same way.

Mouth--There have been so many people who have spoken words of encouragement to us. They have shared their own personal stories (even when it hurts them so much to talk about their losses) and this has allowed us to know what to expect.

Hands--This one has so many references. There have been so many people who have written cards, e-mails, facebook messages etc. to encourage us. We are so thankful for all of these items. We have a whole stack of cards that we received and we will definitely save these. I also have a whole folder in my e-mail messages of e-mails and facebook messages that people sent us and it is so helpful to us. There are so many people that have created meals for us too. It was so hard to cook after I was given the diagnosis and this helped out so that I didn't have to worry about the meals. We have been given other gifts from people too that has allowed us not to worry so much about the financial issues as well. Another thing is the hugs that we have received--these sometimes communicate so much more than words.

Feet--This may be the most important one--so many people have come alongside us and walked in our shoes. They have come in to our lives and shared in our sufferings and have helped to lessen the burden that we have carried. For this we are so thankful.

Maybe you can think of more ways that the body of Christ is seen in the world today, I would love to hear it.

To Daddy

Here's what I think that our kids would say to Tim today ...

Daddy,
We wanted to say how much we love you. You are such a wonderful daddy who does so much for all of us. You work so hard every day without complaining and then come home and spend so much time with me. I love that you take the time to put me to bed every night and you don't hurry through the bed time routine but instead spend so much time reading to me and praying with me. Thank you too for the patience that you show to me even when I get frustrated. You spend so much time teaching me new things every day and I love that.

I know that it must be so hard for you today that Virginia is not here with us. Mommy says that she would have had you wrapped around her finger. I know that she would have loved you so much. I know that you will tell me more about her as I grow up.

Love,
Josiah