2 years

Virginia,
I can't believe that 2 years ago you entered in to our world. The story bears repeating--we went to see the OB at the beginning of December because we had been trying to get pregnant for a while and unfortunately it wasn't happening. She told us to start using an ovulation kit and just a couple of weeks later we were taking a pregnancy test that showed that we were pregnant with you. We were sooooo excited and could not wait even a day to tell our immediate family. We went to Grandpa and Grandma Bulthuis' a little early for Christmas and told them that they would need 8 stockings next year instead of 7 (it breaks my heart that there are still only 7 even with the addition of Gloriana and Bella and that there really should be 10). It took Grandma a second to get that we were telling her that we were pregnant and then she started to cry. Daddy even told the Krooswyk family the night we opened presents with them even though he doesn't like telling people that early. We thought that we were getting the best Christmas gift ever. You are one of the best Christmas gifts we just wish that we would have had the chance to unwrap and get to know you a little bit more. We are so thankful for your life even though it was so short. We have learned from your life that pregnancy does not always end with a happy ending. We know that life is precious and each day is not guaranteed to us and that we must appreciate each day and the people that are in our lives. I'm so thankful that I was able to feel your kick and that your daddy and big brother, Josiah were also able to feel them. We have such beautiful memories of our pregnancy with you. I'm so thankful too that you were able to give me one of the best gifts by being able to deliver you naturally instead of a c-section. Your life has also given us a chance to learn more about perinatal hospice and we hope to soon be able to share that gift with other families in our local hospitals.

This Christmas has given me a different perspective. We have been talking to your big brother, Josiah that Christmas is not about presents and family parties but the most important thing about Christmas is Jesus' birthday. Tomorrow morning as we celebrate Christmas with Daddy and Josiah we will be having a cinnamon cake that we will be lighting with candles and then singing Happy Birthday to Jesus. I can just picture you and your siblings up in heaven gathered around Jesus and singing Happy Birthday to Him and that brings me such comfort.

Hardest part of loss

The other day I was coming home from work and I called to talk to Tim and Josiah. I could hear Josiah crying in the background and when he finally got on the phone he said through the tears that "he missed the baby". My heart broke for my little guy. He is the one that I feel so bad for--he is madly in love with babies, he loves to be with people, it would be so good for him to have a sibling, etc. When I got home from work I could still hear him crying. :( As I held him in my arms--I reminded him that our baby is with Jesus now and how lucky our baby is to be up in heaven rocking with Jesus. I showed him the picture that we have on the fridge of Jesus holding a baby and was also able to talk to about how our babies will be celebrating Jesus' birthday with Him in heaven this year. It's so hard for our family to lose another baby but it is such a comfort to know that our baby is with Jesus in heaven!

Pictures of Hats

These are some of the hats that my mom and I have made. I think that they are the cutest things ever :)


The hat on the right was the one that Virgina wore when she was born. The hat on the left was the one that I made that would fit a baby that was under 2 pounds.


This hat is on the Comfort Bear that we received from Sufficient Grace Ministries--this would fit a baby that is 4-5 pounds.


This is the doll that we received from Aunt Lynne to help us remember Virginia with--this would fit a baby that was 2-3 pounds

Perinatal Hospice

We have felt that there was a need for a perinatal hospice in our area for a long time. When we lost our daughter, Virginia in May of 2010 we relied heavily on family and friends that had gone through similar losses and then we also were connected with a Christian perinatal hospice in Rockford (The Haven Network). It meant so much for those people to walk alongside of us in our journey. They walked alongside of us before Virginia passed by providing support over the telephone. When we delivered Virginia, they were willing to come up and take pictures of her, etc. After we lost her they continued to provide telephone support, they sent us Mother's Day/Father's Day cards, they remembered her birthday and due date. They have also walked alongside of us during our 2 miscarriages as well.

I recently had another miscarriage and was talking with the OB about the need for a perinatal hospice in our area and he agreed. I'm going to present him with my ideas for what the hospice should look like. My vision is that the mission would say "walking alongside of families as they journey through miscarriage, stillbirth and neo-natal loss". I would love to be available to these families when they receive a diagnosis, during the delivery and afterwards.

During the delivery would be the time that we would present the memory boxes filled with all of the donations (my most treasured items are the items we have from Virginia's birth--blanket, outfit, etc). I would also like to be able to take pictures for the families (Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep is great but they don't have a photographer close to us and they don't take pictures before 25 weeks).

This is all in the brainstorming phase right now but these are the items that would be great for donations:

CD’s for pictures

Preemie hats

Memory boxes

Picture frames

Blankets (anything over 20 x 20)

Restaurant gift cards

Footprint/Handprint molds

Books on pregnancy loss

Picture books

Handmade cards for special events (birthdays, due dates, Father’s Day/Mother’s Day)

Stuffed animal

Storm produces hope

Today has been a very rough day. My 18 month old niece Bella had a cochlear implant done on her right ear and I think the stress of that in combination with the miscarriage was too much for me to take. I was having such a rough time. I'm not one that cries often and I just could not stop crying.

I had to go to the OB and was hoping to go back to work tonight but I was a basket case. He told me that he would not clear me for going back to work tonight and that he didn't want me going back until after Christmas but I talked him into letting me go back on Sunday.

ON TO THE GOOD NEWS: In the midst of the tears, I told him that I thought we really needed a perinatal hospice in our area. He said that he agreed and that when I get past this a little bit to call him and we could talk about it. I went home and started brainstorming about what I wanted it to look like and was so excited. I know that God does bring something beautiful out of the hard times that we go through in this life--so hopefully that's what this is. I've always felt like my calling was to be able to minister to people in the hospital setting and this would be perfect for me.

The other good news was that I was able to bring in something (I think it was the baby but we will see) to the dr. for testing. So we will see what happens with that.

Reproductive Endocrinologist Appointment

I had an appointment today with a reproductive endocrinologist up in Orland. I was kind of nervous about the appointment especially after filling out our life story :) It's such a hard place to be in because we desperately want another child but we're not sure if we would be able to handle the pain of another loss. We are hoping that if we receive some testing we can find out if there is something that can easily be corrected or if Josiah was our miracle. The appointment was very overwhelming. The dr. did not want to make many suggestions about what could be causing the 3 pregnancy losses but would rather do all kinds of tests and then meet with us to discuss the results. Mainly the tests would be labs and ultrasounds so not really a big deal besides the expense. Thankfully my work insurance covers the diagnostic tests but once there is a diagnosis then we would have to foot the bill. In a way I really want to find out if there is something wrong as this could affect Josiah and his future family.

Good News/Bad News

The last couple of days have been ok--I've still felt a little queasy and have been having some horrible headaches but it was nothing compared to this weekend.

We went to see the OB today to try and figure out what our status was and when I could go back to work. He did an ultrasound and said that he did not see the baby but could see quite a bit of "tissue" left in there. He said that he would not be surprised if I would have some heavy loss yet ahead of me.

We were obviously disappointed that we were not able to see the baby and have the baby tested but ... Since we won't be able to find out the gender we have named the baby Faith. We know that God is with us through this and that our faith will carry us through these trials. We were so thankful for this baby and the baby will always be a part of our family.

I have a necklace that I was given by my sister when we lost Virginia. Then, my friend Cindy gave me the handprint charm which we used when we lost the last baby. This weekend we were able to get a little angel charm to remember this baby. It helps so much to have a reminder of my 4 little ones around my neck.

Round 3 (Monday)

The morning started out a little bit scary as I was a little nauseous but I've been trying to be careful getting up walking around.

Thankfully my mom stayed overnight which alleviated some of the anxiety just knowing that she was here. My friend, Cindy came over too with her 3 youngest which was good for us too to distract us from everything that is happening. Josiah loves their family and had such a great time holding the babies.

The main reason we are chronicling what is happening is because we start a journal the day we find out that we are pregnant and then when we find out that we have lost a baby it's hard to keep writing in there--this helps to be able to write it down and then at some point in time we can put it in their journals or somewhere else.

If anyone does read this blog, we just want to thank you all for the love, encouragement, prayers, cards, etc. During these painful times of loss, each one of you that walks alongside of us is being the body of Christ and we appreciate it more than words can say. When we seem to be at the lowest in the terms of our loss, we receive a phone call, a package in the mail, an e-mail etc. that just reminds us that we are not alone and we love each of you sooo much!

Round 2 (Sunday)

Sunday morning Tim was able to take Josiah to church--Josiah is going to be in the Christmas program at church and he needs to get used to singing in front of people :) He knows 3 of the 4 songs but we'll see if he performs in front of an audience.

At about 2 pm I started to have some pain in my back and I was concerned that it was starting again. Thankfully, I called my mom and asked her to come out because we really need Tim to keep working. From about 5-7 was pretty rough as I was experiencing a lot of loss. It was really scary and I wasn't sure if I should go to the hospital or not. I spoke with the OB but he wasn't really a lot of help. I also spoke with our person at The Haven Network and she was able to reassure me that it was going to be ok. I finally was able to calm down and hang out on the couch for a while. I still was a little bit concerned but thankfully it all started to slow down a little bit.

What a night

Last night I was going to try and start the cytotec but I was still scared. It's so hard to know what to do when your OB tells you to take it but then the warnings from the pharmacist and the company that produces the medication says not to take it after 8 weeks to induce labor as it can cause a uterine rupture. Plus my OB did not prescribe any pain killers besides Ibuprofen which did not even touch the pain that I had been experiencing. So after many phone calls with family we decided to wait with the Cytotec.

I have been in pain since Thursday but the pain was coming much faster starting around 8 pm. Thankfully my sister in law called at 9 pm so that helped distract me for a half hour. Then Tim got home and I started walking the floors (I told him that I was probably going to make a hole in the floor). I was in sooooo much pain and was not getting a break in between the pain. Tim called the OB and begged him for a pain killer but he said that the Ibuprofen would be enough (unless these doctors have gone through this--there is no reason I should not have a pain killer, people who give birth to healthy babies have pain killers). I was in a state of panic from about 10-12:30 since I couldn't find a way to alleviate the pain. In that moment I was pretty much praying for an end to it all. If we are ever blessed with a healthy pregnancy I should be a rock star :) At about 12:30 I sat on the couch and was able to calm myself down a little and I was getting a break in between the pain and then at about 1-1:30 we fell asleep. I don't think that everything is done so we'll see what the next couple of days bring.

So confused

I hate having to make such important decisions. I still have not started the Cytotec because I'm scared to death but we really want to get this baby delivered so that I can get back to work (this time off is all unpaid which is not good for us). The scary thing with Cytotec is that I took it with Virginia and it was extremely painful. All I have been given at home is Ibuprofen. Plus, I read the pharmacy sheet and it said after 8 weeks this medication should not be given to induce labor as it can cause uterine rupture. The baby was measuring between 9-4 and 9-6 on Wednesday. I've been reading some of the user reviews on the internet and it is so scary. Then, I talked to the dr. and his words weren't comforting either. I know that the Bible says that God won't give you more than you can handle but at times it seems like He's tiptoeing on that line. It's enough that we had to lose the baby--it would be so much more helpful if my body could just let go of it without medicine :(

Favorite Picture

Tim took this picture today and I absolutely love it, even though it is bittersweet. I wanted another picture while I still have the baby inside of me. I decided to have the ultrasound picture with me and Tim got it really up close. I love too that you can see the Mom of Angels bracelet that I am wearing. I know that I will treasure this picture forever!

Weak

I don't think that I'm strong enough to do this.

Yesterday I went for the follow-up ultrasound and they said that the baby looked perfect but unfortunately he or she just didn't have a heartbeat. You can see the head on the left, the body and the arms and legs in the obvious places.



I'm starting to have some cramping and pain but I'm supposed to be starting the Cytotec today. (This is the medication that I had with Virginia). I'm just not sure if I'm strong enough to start the medication myself to expel the baby from my body. The baby is supposed to be inside of me growing--it's just sooooo sad. Plus I am scared of the pain (it's better than the alternative of the D&C) but they are predicting that it's going to be worse with this baby because we are 2 weeks further along. The baby is still measuring between 9 weeks 4 days and 9 weeks 6 days. With the last miscarriage the baby was measuring at 8 weeks 1 day and then was gone inside of me for over 2 weeks which makes the baby smaller.

Heaven

While we were at the OB yesterday we tried to explain to Josiah that the baby was in heaven. It was so sweet as he told us that the baby was right there on the screen. We spent much of the day trying to explain to him that the baby was no longer in my belly but was instead in heaven and that we were sad but we would be ok.

As I reflected more on this it breaks my heart to think that Virginia and the miscarried baby were there in heaven waiting for this baby. I could imagine the 3 of them hugging it out and my heart longs for the day when I can hold my 3 little ones in my arms. It is unbelievable to me that 3 of my immediate family members are in heaven--that's more than I have right here with me now.

It seems that Virginia's story and in a greater essence our story is a story of heartbreak and loss. The story seems to be defined by the words "no heartbeat". We went in yesterday for a regular OB appointment and he did the external ultrasound and said "it was fuzzy, your uterus is something, can I do an internal" He does the internal and I keep asking do you see the heartbeat and he tells me no and it should be right there, it should be right there. I feel so bad for the guy because you can tell that he's visibly angry--after we were done talking he threw the garbage away and we could tell that his heart was breaking for us.

He said because we had seen the heartbeat at 7 weeks that we should not have lost this baby and it points to a possible greater concern of a chromosomal condition (even though Virginia did not have one). He said that he would hand deliver the baby to the pathologist since with the last OB she did not do the chromosome study. He said that he would give us medication to start the labor but that would make it more painful (I later talked to Dr. N and he said that we should start the medication so that we are able to get the best chromosome sample). He also said that since I'm further along this time (2 weeks) that it will be more painful but he will be on the phone with us as often as we need it which is a huge help to us.

This just seems like a huge mistake to us--since I am not having any signs of losing the baby. I will be going in for an ultrasound this morning to confirm that there is no heartbeat and then we hope to be able to start the delivery.

My biggest concern is Josiah--he is madly in love with this baby. Every day he lays on my stomach and tells the baby how much he loves him or her. He sings his ABC's, Jesus Loves Me, Joy to the World, etc to the baby. He tells the baby that he or she needs to get big and strong so that we can go to the hospital in June.

We know that God is holding us in the palm of His hand but we can't understand why he let's us continue to get pregnant and start to have hopes and dreams for our baby's future only to take it away in such a painful way.

Check it out!

It's been sooo long since I've posted but I have some pretty exciting news. I am now the blog moderator for The Haven Network's blog. It is a big honor for me to be able to minister to the families at The Haven Network like they have ministered to us. I'm never very confident in myself but I'm hoping that my short little posts will allow some discussion and healing for these families.

The blog can be found at:

http://www.thehavennetwork.org/blog/

I would love to hear from you if you have any other ideas for topics!!

I LOVE Haven Network

We've talked about Haven Network a lot on here (the perinatal hospice that helped us out so much and the one that we donated to for Virginia's 1st birthday) and we'd like to brag on them a little bit more here. We are so thankful that they don't just leave the family after the loss of their baby but continue to walk alongside of them in their journey.

Today I received a package from them with a very encouraging note. I also got this beautiful necklace that I will treasure forever.

July 13

I woke up this morning and knew that today was a special day for some reason. I started to think back to a year ago and went up to look at our "rainbow baby's" journal and sure enough it was a year ago today that we saw our little miracle for the first time. We were 5 weeks and 3 days at this appointment and we were so excited. I had to stop reading the journal because it was soo heartbreaking to read about our hope of this baby being born healthy.

It was very hard to lose Virginia but I think the loss of this baby was even harder because we didn't think that it would happen again to us.

We continue to pray so hard that God would bless us with a healthy baby. We have been around so many babies lately and Josiah will say Josiah's baby? so then he will pray that we will be able to have a baby. It breaks my heart so much because we know that he would be such a great big brother.

Happy Daddy's Day

We celebrated Father's Day today with Tim. I always try to make something for Father's Day with Josiah but I had no idea what to do so I posted on Facebook. One of my friends suggested that I get the letters D, A and Y and take pictures of Josiah holding the letters to spell out DADDY. I thought it was a fabulous idea (my sister and her friend did it too). I knew that I wanted a couple of pictures to remember Virginia with so I was able to get a couple of those in there too. I don't think I can ever make such a wonderful present again (at least until Josiah can make stuff by himself). Tim is such a wonderful dad to all of our kids and we are so thankful for him!

Josiah and Virginia

I feel bad that I haven't updated this blog in a while. We have been so busy as we have been adjusting to Tim working again after 4 months of being out of work. We have been so blessed during those 4 months--we never thought we would make it through but God has been so merciful to us and has blessed us with wonderful family, friends and church families as well. Our work schedules are so messed up but we are trying to spend as much time together as a family when we can and hope that some day it will return to a little bit more normal.

This month has been a difficult month with Virgina's 1st birthday starting off the month. I was dreading her birthday but that actually was the best day out of the whole experience because we had an AMAZING doctor and the delivery was the best gift that she could give me.

A couple of days later we had a scare with my dad being diagnosed with diabetes. It was actually a year to the date that Virginia was buried--and he went in for a physical and his blood sugar was HIGH and he had to go the ER. We are so thankful for the miracle that he had the physical and did not suffer any adverse side effects from the high blood sugar. Now he is doing super well with it and we are so thankful. We love him soo much and are so thankful for him!

A week after Virginia's birthday we received horrible news about a young girl from our church being killed in a car accident. Words cannot express the sadness that we have felt for this family. Our lives have been forever touched by the loss of this little girl and we will continue to celebrate each day with the ones that we have around us and realize that we can't take anything for granted.

This month we also celebrated Gloriana and Belladia's 1st birthdays. This was a little hard for us as we knew that Virginia should be here at the same age as them, but we are so thankful that they are here and that they are doing ok. We would appreciate your prayers for them as they have a couple of hurdles to overcome.

We were also able to celebrate this month the legacy that both of our parents have had as they both celebrated their 40th wedding anniversaries. We are so thankful for all of them and we seek to love each other for the rest of our lives.

I wanted to end this post with one of the sweetest things that Josiah has done this month. I was talking on the phone with my sister and Josiah made this cake out of paper plates and a can of soup and started singing Happy Birthday Geenya. It left me speechless and means so much to me that he loves his sister soo much!

(sorry it's crooked--it's not like that it my album and I can't fix it)

Happy 1st Birthday Virginia!

Tim, Josiah and I want to wish Virginia a Happy 1st Birthday! Your life has brought so much meaning to our lives. We are so thankful that the LORD has blessed us with you, even though you are not here with you us now you are forever in our hearts.

We will continue each day to talk about you and find ways to use your life to minister to other people. Virginia, you were such a fighter and we will continue to fight to ensure that people around us realize that your life was precious. We believe that your life had meaning the moment you were conceived and that whether you lasted only a day after conception or if you were 100 years old that God created you for a reason. We know that there are many people who don't even want to say your name or talk about you anymore and this breaks our heart. We love you so much and will never stop talking about you. We will always explain to people that even if you survived with a illness that we would have loved you and that it was not for the best that you died. Mommy hates to hear people say that. We are thankful that you were spared the suffering of your diagnosis but this world is full of suffering and no one is immune to it. We know too that God could have healed you completely as well.

We look forward to celebrating your life today and are so thankful that God provided us Dr. N. and allowed us to deliver you naturally. That was the most amazing experience for mommy and I am so thankful that you blessed my life with that experience. I can't even begin to explain how awesome that was. We rejoice that we were able to hold you and talk to you. We are so thankful too that Uncle Jeff was able to baptize you--what an awesome experience that was for us. We are so thankful too that we were able to get pictures of you being held by your great-grandma, Ida Virginia. We were also so blessed too that Grandpa Boss, Grandma Bulthuis and Grandpa and Grandma Krooswyk were also able to come out to the hospital with us and celebrate your life.

In our letter to you that we read at your funeral last year we knew that you were playing in heaven with other little babies including Matthew, Jeremiah, Brianna, Grace and Joshua--this year too we are saddened that Uncle Mart has joined you and your second cousin Kellan. We are celebrating your life today and look forward to the day that we can hold you in our arms forever.

Love,
Daddy, Mommy and Josiah

From Daddy May 1, 2010

Tim wrote this journal entry a year ago today and I read it and thought that it needed to be posted here:

I just keep telling myself there is a reason why God is putting us through all of this. So far, though, it seems a mystery. The last couple of weeks have certainly been a roller coaster. After riding an emotional high after the passing of our little angel and the lows associated with that news, we continued that ride into the hospital to deliver and the roller coaster was more or less shut down as we were sent home with the baby still inside Laura.

The past week has been very interesting as we changed our plans many times on how we would proceed next. I am so happy that we were able to come in to contact with Dr. N. and we will have another opportunity to give birth to our angel baby. I think it will bring us so much closure if we get to see our child, hold our child and love on our child. I will be taking another week off of work and the hope is that this leg of our journey will end over the course of that week. It will be extremely saddening for us to have to deal with the finality of everything but it will be instrumental in us finally beginning the healing process. Whatever that might be. Thanks be to God for blessing us with a Christian network of friends and family who continue to pray for us and encourage us. It was so hard last weekend feeling as though we had been defeated. SO many people praying and lifting us up and we felt like we let them down too. But we are confident that God's hand is in this and what happens next is His will. Though it is often difficult to accept that things are outside of our control, we are surrendering our will for His and praying that He will see us through even if it isn't always the way WE had planned it.

I never expected any of this to happen us but then I guess nobody does. We are not alone in this struggle--though it is terribly tragic, many others have experienced similar circumstances and continue to join with us in grieving but also in helping to move forward, helping us not to forget but also not to dwell. The best thing we can do is rejoice in the fact that our little angel is pefect and living an eternal life in Heavenly Glory.

The Haven Network

On Thursday we had the privilige of bringing up some donations to The Haven Network. The Haven Network is a perinatal hospice that helped us out soo much when we were pregnant with Virginia. They walked alongside of us after the diagnosis and continue to walk alongside of us even now.

We were soo thankful with the generous outpouring of support from our friends and family as they fulfilled soo many items off of The Haven Network's wish list.



This was most of the stuff that we brought up there. We are sending out an additional package next week of a couple more things.

We were finally able to meet with Cheri and Kathy from The Haven Network. They were so willing to drive out when we were in the hospital twice with Virginia but it was a 2 hour drive so we didn't want to do that to them so we had their support via phone. They are such wonderful women and know that they are such a blessing to the families that they interact with. As we talked with them they talked about some of the families that they work with and it just breaks your heart to hear of the suffering of these families--please keep these wonderful women in your prayers as they continue to minister to families in crisis.


Cheri, Josiah and Kathy

Josiah's gift in memory of his sister Virginia

We knew when we got the diagnosis regarding Virginia that whether she lived or whether she died that God would receive the glory. We know that Virginia's life is continuing to help other people and for that we are grateful!

April 21st

April 20th 2010--we were all watching television and the baby was very active and Josiah was touching my stomach and kissing my stomach and we were able to get a picture of it. Josiah liked to kiss my stomach but he was so fast that we were never able to get a picture of it. It was a wonderful night with so many great memories.

The next day I felt like something was different with the baby and went in to the dr. and there was no heartbeat--this is where it got to be so difficult for us. We went in to the hospital that night with all of our new plans on how the delivery would be. I had met two other women who also were pregnant with babies with hydrops and they were also in labor. Unfortunately, I was not able to deliver Virginia at this time even after spending 3 nights in the hospital.

These are some of the memories that have been replaying in my head at night while I work. It has been so painful for me--I wish that I could go back and feel her kicking. It is such an amazing experience to be pregnant and feel those movements of the baby within you. I wish too that I would not have been so concerned about my safety and would have pushed harder to have her delivered. I will always wonder if that she would have looked a little bit better.

Due Date

Today marks another sad day for our family as we remember what could have been. Our "rainbow" baby was due today. We thought for sure that when we found out that we were pregnant with this baby that God was giving us a special blessing--we found out that we were pregnant at the halfway point in between Virginia's delivery date and her due date. (This was also my grandpa's birthday and the baby's due date was close to my grandma's birthday). On August 2nd, just a short month later, I had a small issue and went to the dr. and they found that the baby had no heartbeat and must have just passed away. The devastation with this loss can't even be described with words. We were both terribly angry and hurt.

I think honestly that we have just shut down emotionally--we have been hit so hard this year with the loss of Virginia, the loss of the miscarried baby, the loss of Tim's job, etc. So many of our dreams just keep getting flushed down the toilet.

It seems that everyone else is pregnant, doing well financially, etc.

Daddy's Blog

Here is a link to Virginia's daddy's blog--he wrote a very good post about what we have been going through lately

Josiah's 1st Hospitalization

Our life has not been easy over the last nine months. We kind of thought that after the loss of Virginia and the miscarriage that life was going to just be kind of normal for a little while. Instead we seem to be slammed with one terrible thing after another.

I started working full time in January, which is something I would prefer not to do, in order to help make a little more money. We were going to be getting back on our feet financially until Tim came home one Friday afternoon in January and told me that he had lost his job. This was a major blow to our family.

Then, Josiah started to run a fever and had a horrible cough. We went to the dr. last Monday and she diagnosed him with RSV. On Wednesday he still had the fever (day 5) and was not eating or drinking much. We went in to the dr. again and he put him directly in the hospital. He was diagnosed with RSV, dehydration and pneumonia. This was soo hard for me to have my little guy in the hospital. He did such a great job with the iv, blood draws and the people coming in all of the time. (I must say that it was also hard to be at this hospital too because this is where we had our failed induction with Virginia. It was also eerie how we went in on a Wednesday with Virginia and Josiah and were discharged on Saturday with both of them-it was an almost identical 60 hours in the hospital). We were so thankful that Josiah was discharged on Saturday. I am still a little nervous having him home because he isn't eating or drinking as much as he should and his oxygen stats were only at 90 when he was discharged but ...

Virginia's 1st Birthday

We are doing something special for Virginia's 1st birthday and would love for you to check it out here.

Advocate

I've been thinking a lot about Virginia lately--it's crazy that a year ago we were so excited to be pregnant and a lot of those memories are coming back. As I reflect on her life and look back on my journal entries, I realize that I should have done more. I look back on all of my OB appointments with her and at EVERY appointment something went wrong. My first appt. with Dr. S. she had said that she did not need to do an u/s unless something was wrong--well, she did an u/s. The next couple of appointments, they had trouble finding the heartbeat at each one of them and usually ended up doing an ultrasound.

If I could go back to any time in my life I would go back to April 8, 2010 and have clarity of thought. April 8 was the day that we received the news that Virginia had no chance of survival. We had an hour long ultrasound (where we still had no idea that anything was seriously wrong). Afterwards we met with the genetic counselor. This is where I would love to go back to. I would have demanded that I speak with a Maternal Fetal OB. That person would have walked us through the ultrasound and showed us exactly what they were seeing with our baby. I would have requested the ultrasound pictures along with the ultrasound video. I would have asked for a second opinion with a OB who has specialized with this condition.

I feel like as a mother my greatest job is to be an advocate for my children and I know that I advocated for Virginia but I know that we were just so overwhelmed by all of this that we could have done things differently.

I wish too that I would have kept my care with a Maternal Fetal Physician as opposed to my OB. My greatest desire was to be able to hold my baby and touch her skin, count her fingers, her toes, etc. I was able to hold her but it was sooo hard to look at her body. I wasn't able to count her fingers or her toes. In fact, I didn't even look at her belly or her arms. I could not even differentiate between the different aspects of her face.

Extreme Makeover Home Edition

We were watching EMHE last Sunday night and as they are describing the family they say that the little boy was born with Hydrops Fetalis. I had to pause the tv and just stop for a second because I wasn't sure if I could continue to watch it. This is the same condition that took the life of Virginia (but she also had cystic hygroma--fluid behind her neck). I found it to be very bittersweet as well because I am happy for this family that their little guy survived this terrible condition, I am also glad that it will bring national publicity to this disease but it also means that another family has been affected by this disease.

I had never heard of hydrops before I had Virginia and it just breaks my heart that I hear of it sooo often now. There is just not enough being done for this disease. No parent should be told in a geneticists office that there is nothing that they can do for their baby and that there is no hope. Obviously there is hope because there are babies that are surviving this condition. I think that part of my mission is to try to bring more awareness to this disease--even if it just helps families to know what to expect.

Rainbows

In the last couple of weeks, I have seen two rainbows peeking through the clouds when it was not raining or anything like that. It was not a full rainbow just a partial one.

Each time I saw this, in one way it hurt a little because after you have a perinatal loss people say that they are having a "rainbow baby". There are soooo many people that are now pregnant with their rainbow baby's that lost a baby at the same time as Virginia. I am definitely happy that they are pregnant but would also like to be pregnant as well (I would be 32 weeks if I had not miscarried.

The other thing that ran through my mind is that God keeps His promises. I may not have as many kids as I would like but He is still there with me carrying me through whatever storms I may go through in life.

I do not recall seeing many rainbows in December but know that God is showing me that He is waiting for me.

Dear Josiah

I wanted to write you this letter since I won't be writing in your journal again until you turn 3 in June (I can't believe that you will be three then)!

You have been such a big boy this year as there have been soo many changes in our lives this year. We were so excited at the beginning of 2010 because you were going to be a big brother. Our world came crashing down when your little sister was born still in May. We were so proud of you though as you did well with mommy and daddy being gone twice while trying to deliver your sister. This was the longest amount of time that we had been away from you and you did sooo well.

Your other biggest achievement has been your speech. In the beginning of the year you were struggling so much with talking and now you are doing soo much. You can say your ABC's with no problems. You are able to spell your name, daddy, mommy and Ida.

Another big achievement has been that you are toilet trained except for at night--you have been doing this consistently since May!

We have been going to a church closer to our house and you have been doing excellent going in to the nursery. Mr. W. teaches you a Bible lesson and when we come to pick you up you are so excited to show us your papers. This brought a tear to mommy's eye the first time that I went to pick you up.

As we reflect on this last year, it has been an extremely painful one with the loss of your sister, Virginia and then the miscarriage. We are so thankful that God has blessed us with you and that you are such a little miracle. You have the best hugs ever and are such a cuddly little guy!

I know that this new year is going to bring even more changes in your life as mommy begins working full time third shift. My biggest struggle is how this is going to affect you since you are such a mommy's boy. I struggle so much with it because if you are our only earthly child I want to be with you every second that I can but I know that this job will help us out financially and hopefully we can try again to have another baby (you love babies so much and it breaks my heart that you don't have a brother or a sister here on earth). I know that you will be in wonderful hands with grandma and that I will be with you as much as possible. I love you so much and pray that you will do well with all of these changes!
Love you Siah!
Mommy