Golden Birthday

Each year we say the same thing to you on this blog but we miss you so much and wish your were here with us. These days are especially difficult for mommy so we try to plan things that help make it easier for us. I took the day off of work today and enjoyed spending it with Josiah. We made a cake for you, bought you some balloons, bought flowers for the cemetery and just enjoyed talking about you.

When daddy came home from work we enjoyed some Panda Express, went outside and took pictures and let go of three balloons and came back inside and sang Happy Birthday to you!

Tomorrow is your big brother, Josiah's first t-ball game and then we are looking forward to going away for a night.

Each year too it continues to be so difficult as we are still grieve that are our arms are still empty but we continue to be so thankful for Josiah and the blessing that he is to our family.

Happy 2nd Birthday

To our Virginia,

Daddy and I can not believe that it has been 2 years since we have held you in our arms. The day that you were born was such a mixed bag of emotions as we grieved over your death but also grieved the fact that the disease that took your life also did a number on your physical appearance. We were saddened that we did not have the pictures that we so desperately wanted, the footprints, the lock of hair, etc. We are thankful that we do have some pictures of you and that a dear friend of ours that also lost their little girl at the same age as Virginia shared a set of her footprints for us to have.

We rejoiced in the fact that I was able to deliver you naturally--what a special gift that was for me. They did not think I had to dilate very far because you were so little but you stayed in the water bag and I dilated to 10! We were so thankful too that we were able to meet such a wonderful Christian MFM dr. in Dr. N. who spent so much time with us on the phone before your delivery and at the hospital. He was such a blessing to us. In fact when Grandpa & Grandma K. came to visit the next day he came in and prayed with us. We are so thankful too that we had the chaplain in the room with us praying during the delivery (We were about 2 hours from our family so we were not sure if my brother would be able to come out and baptize Virginia so we called the chaplain just to meet her ahead of time just in case. All of a sudden while she was talking to us the labor progressed quickly. She quietly stood in the corner and prayed for the delivery--what a gift)! We were so thankful too for the family members that drove out late that night to be with us and to hold you. It breaks my heart to look back on those pictures and see the sadness in their eyes but ... It was such an honor to have Uncle Jeff baptize you and share in the joy that you are now in heaven. (Jeff preached at the memorial service a wonderful sermon that can be found here)

We were also so blessed in the days after your death to be surrounded by so many family and friends to encourage us and to be the body of Christ to us and to our family.

You were named Virginia after your Great Grandma Ida Virginia and she even at 84 years old is such a wonderful Christian woman. We wanted to honor her by naming you Virginia because we knew that whether you lived or you died that God would be glorified. Your life (and your 2 siblings) even though they were so short has slowly started an amazing ministry. In the last couple of weeks we have been able to deliver packages to other families who also lost their babies. We are so thankful that your life can be a source of ministry to other hurting families.

We have been talking quite a bit about your birthday with your big brother Josiah and he wants to make a card for you which we will be doing. We will also be celebrating by having a birthday cake. Josiah said that you would be having cake in heaven but you won't be blowing out the candles because you're a girl :) He also started singing today, "I love Daddy, I love Mommy, I love my little sister". Virginia, we all love you and miss you very much!

Love,
Daddy, Mommy & Josiah

Crocheted Gown

I saw a post on facebook with a list of websites that had free crocheted patterns for preemie items. Now mind you I am not an expert at crocheting so I went and took a look around at some of the sites. I found this one and I figured that I might be able to make it. I was able to make the gown pretty quickly and I think it turned out pretty good. I'm not sure what size baby it would fit because I only have one sized needle but ...

Hopefully I can make a couple more of these for our hospice in different sizes since we do not have any more gowns. I plan on trying to sew some more gowns at some point in time too--hopefully I can find some easy patterns to make.

Doorway

I read a book when I was in the hospital the first time trying to deliver Virginia (I was in April 21-24). I received it from dear friends of mine called A Symphony in the Dark by Rebecca Mutz. She shares the story of her daughter Molly and it was so heartbreaking yet so encouraging the faith of this young couple. Some time later I found her blog on the internet and continued to be so encouraged by her. One thing that she talked about in her blog was that she did not call Molly's grave a grave but instead a "doorway". She did that based off of this poem:

By: Calvin Miller

"I once scorned ev'vy fearful thought of death,
When it was but the end of pulse and breath,
But now my eyes have seen that past the pain
There is a world that's waiting to be claimed.
Earthmaker, Holy, let me now depart,
For living's such a temporary art
And dying is but getting dressed for God,
Our graves are merely doorways cut in sod."

I think the poem is pretty special because it just reminds me that this life is so temporary and is preparing us for eternity. We need to share God's love with others so that they can join us in heaven. While I can't hold Virginia--she is being held by Jesus and this brings me such comfort.

We have never been the type of people to go to the cemetery to visit loved ones who have died, but since our daughter is there we try to go out at least twice a year. I figure that it is our only way on this side of heaven to take care of her. I know she is not there but for me right now it helps.

Here are some pictures of Virginia's "doorway" and Josiah :)

Glory to God

It was 2 years ago today that we received the dreaded words that Virginia was no longer with us but was instead dancing with the angels. You can read more about that here.

Last year we announced on facebook and shared with family and friends that we wanted to do a donation to the Haven Network. We were so thankful for the outpouring of love and support from family and friends as they were able to bless so many families with their donations. You can read more about that day here.

We were not sure what to do with this date. April 21st for me is such a hard date because that was the day that I knew that all hope for a miraculous healing for our baby was indeed gone. It was also scary because I was not sure how my body would respond to labor (which it didn't do very well). I was really struggling with some pretty serious anxiety a couple of weeks ago and asked for prayers from people who have been on a similar road and this last week has been so much better. We are so thankful for the prayers.

I talked to my mom and said that we really want to bless other people and we were talking about giving a donation to The Haven Network or Sufficient Grace Ministries. My mom reminded me that we should save some of the stuff for our hospice (it is taking a little time with the hospital and the OB). Little did I know that God had another plan and that we would unfortunately have to use some of our supplies. Within the last week we have given out two packages for families in the area who have lost their babies. We are so thankful that our donations can be used in memory of our children in order to bring glory to God. We continue to lift up these families in our prayers as they mourn the lives of their daughters.

If I could turn back time

I would love to go back 2 years in time. I do not remember the specifics of the night (even though when I looked on fb it said that Josiah helped me clean the toilets and that we watched The Blind Side) but I remember Virginia moving around a lot that night. Josiah often liked to kiss my belly but we were never able to get a picture--he was just under 2 and moved A LOT. That night was the only time that we were able to get a picture. I think it is the sweetest thing in the whole world--one of my most treasured pictures.

Desert

I have been struggling with a little bit of anxiety recently with so many memories of Virginia flooding in and we were in church on Sunday and this is the song that we sang:


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=79055I6o-NQ

I absolutely LOVE IT--I was singing it all night at work and it made the night so much more tolerable. I'm so thankful that God reminded me of that song on Sunday at church.

We have been trying to start our perinatal hospice and it has been taking a little bit of time. On Friday morning, I was contacted by a friend who had someone who was in the midst of a stillbirth. We had the privilige of driving up to the hospital and dropping off a care package for them at the front desk. Then on Sunday the pastor mentioned a family that is facing end of life issues with their unborn baby. I was able to talk with them after church and plan on bringing them a package as they prepare for her delivery this week. We are so honored that the lives of our 3 children are allowing us to minister to other familiies. Please continue to keep both of these families in your prayers.

Regrets

It was 2 years ago today that we went to the University of Chicago for our follow-up ultrasound. We knew that there was fluid in the belly but we did not know of any elsewhere. I had read the word hydrops and saw some mention of Down Syndrome. We knew that if the baby was born with Down Syndrome we would love him or her the same. I have worked with people with disabilities in the past and they are some of the most beautiful people in the world.

In an ironic way, Jeff and Lisa (my brother and sister in law) were also at the same hospital having weekly checks for their twin daughters who had TTTS. We were very concerned for their safety and they were born healthy except for a few minor health issues.

We went back for our ultrasound and we thought that our baby looked absolutely beautiful. The technician did not say a lot but explained what we were seeing. The ultrasound lasted about an hour and again we thought everything was fine.

In just a few short minutes our world came crashing down. The genetecist and someone else called us back to a room and asked what we knew about the baby. She said the baby also had fluid behind the neck. She explained that the baby had hydrops (fluid in the chest, skin, abdomen, etc) which is really bad with only a 10% chance of survival. (OK--that's fine--we'll fight for this baby is our thinking). Then, she says but the even more concerning thing is the fluid behind the neck which is called cystic hygroma which has a 0% chance of survival (why wouldn't you just say this in the first place instead of giving us a chance of hope?????) Then she gave us the option to abort which we were not interested in and once we decided that it was like ok see you later.

This was one of the worst things that I have to say about that hospital. There are many more options than abortion and it is a major hospital located in Downtown Chicago. They should have a list of perinatal hospices as well as other specialists for the different disorders to give people a second opinion. Also, I should have had a chance to meet with a Maternal Fetal Medicine physician who would lovingly show me the ultrasounds (which I could keep if I wanted to) that explained exactly what they were seeing. Once they decided that my child was not "viable" they gave up and forgot that the baby was precious to our family and should be given the respect that every other baby received. This is one of my biggest regrets. I wish that I would have demanded to see a MFM and also receive a DVD of the ultrasound and printed images of all the pictures :(

In that small consultation room it did not really hit until we went out in to the waiting room and we started making some phone calls and then it all started caving in. We could not believe that this child that we had prayed so much for would not be a part of our earthly family.

April Showers

I knew that April 3rd comes after the 2nd but I seriously gasped when I looked at my phone this morning and saw that it was the third of April. You see April brings back so many bad memories. In fact, I would say that April is a month of "showers of tears" for our family. April 3, 2010 was the day that we went for our routine 18 week ultrasound. Tim's parents came out to watch Josiah so that we could have our undivided attention on the ultrasound. We continued to fall in love with our baby as we saw her (even though we didn't find out her gender until much later). We thought she was absolutely beautiful and could not wait until she would join our family. The ultrasound was on a Saturday and then on Monday morning as I was on my way to do a job with the census we got a call that we needed to go "up north" for further testing because there was fluid on her abdomen. They kept pushing for an amniocentisis (which they knew there was fluid behind her neck which they didn't tell us at the time) and we didn't understand what their insistence was (until later when we realized that this fluid was A HUGE DEAL). The next day 30 days were a whirlwind of emotions as we tried to set up a plan if she lived, if she died, what memories we wanted to create when she was delivered. Then after she died and we were unsuccessful at our first delivery we went through an even greater loss as we tried to create a new plan--if we would be able to hold her and create memories or if it would be more of a surgical procedure with no closure. This month is one that I wish we could just take off of the calendar but we press on

2 years

Virginia,
I can't believe that 2 years ago you entered in to our world. The story bears repeating--we went to see the OB at the beginning of December because we had been trying to get pregnant for a while and unfortunately it wasn't happening. She told us to start using an ovulation kit and just a couple of weeks later we were taking a pregnancy test that showed that we were pregnant with you. We were sooooo excited and could not wait even a day to tell our immediate family. We went to Grandpa and Grandma Bulthuis' a little early for Christmas and told them that they would need 8 stockings next year instead of 7 (it breaks my heart that there are still only 7 even with the addition of Gloriana and Bella and that there really should be 10). It took Grandma a second to get that we were telling her that we were pregnant and then she started to cry. Daddy even told the Krooswyk family the night we opened presents with them even though he doesn't like telling people that early. We thought that we were getting the best Christmas gift ever. You are one of the best Christmas gifts we just wish that we would have had the chance to unwrap and get to know you a little bit more. We are so thankful for your life even though it was so short. We have learned from your life that pregnancy does not always end with a happy ending. We know that life is precious and each day is not guaranteed to us and that we must appreciate each day and the people that are in our lives. I'm so thankful that I was able to feel your kick and that your daddy and big brother, Josiah were also able to feel them. We have such beautiful memories of our pregnancy with you. I'm so thankful too that you were able to give me one of the best gifts by being able to deliver you naturally instead of a c-section. Your life has also given us a chance to learn more about perinatal hospice and we hope to soon be able to share that gift with other families in our local hospitals.

This Christmas has given me a different perspective. We have been talking to your big brother, Josiah that Christmas is not about presents and family parties but the most important thing about Christmas is Jesus' birthday. Tomorrow morning as we celebrate Christmas with Daddy and Josiah we will be having a cinnamon cake that we will be lighting with candles and then singing Happy Birthday to Jesus. I can just picture you and your siblings up in heaven gathered around Jesus and singing Happy Birthday to Him and that brings me such comfort.

Hardest part of loss

The other day I was coming home from work and I called to talk to Tim and Josiah. I could hear Josiah crying in the background and when he finally got on the phone he said through the tears that "he missed the baby". My heart broke for my little guy. He is the one that I feel so bad for--he is madly in love with babies, he loves to be with people, it would be so good for him to have a sibling, etc. When I got home from work I could still hear him crying. :( As I held him in my arms--I reminded him that our baby is with Jesus now and how lucky our baby is to be up in heaven rocking with Jesus. I showed him the picture that we have on the fridge of Jesus holding a baby and was also able to talk to about how our babies will be celebrating Jesus' birthday with Him in heaven this year. It's so hard for our family to lose another baby but it is such a comfort to know that our baby is with Jesus in heaven!

Pictures of Hats

These are some of the hats that my mom and I have made. I think that they are the cutest things ever :)


The hat on the right was the one that Virgina wore when she was born. The hat on the left was the one that I made that would fit a baby that was under 2 pounds.


This hat is on the Comfort Bear that we received from Sufficient Grace Ministries--this would fit a baby that is 4-5 pounds.


This is the doll that we received from Aunt Lynne to help us remember Virginia with--this would fit a baby that was 2-3 pounds

Perinatal Hospice

We have felt that there was a need for a perinatal hospice in our area for a long time. When we lost our daughter, Virginia in May of 2010 we relied heavily on family and friends that had gone through similar losses and then we also were connected with a Christian perinatal hospice in Rockford (The Haven Network). It meant so much for those people to walk alongside of us in our journey. They walked alongside of us before Virginia passed by providing support over the telephone. When we delivered Virginia, they were willing to come up and take pictures of her, etc. After we lost her they continued to provide telephone support, they sent us Mother's Day/Father's Day cards, they remembered her birthday and due date. They have also walked alongside of us during our 2 miscarriages as well.

I recently had another miscarriage and was talking with the OB about the need for a perinatal hospice in our area and he agreed. I'm going to present him with my ideas for what the hospice should look like. My vision is that the mission would say "walking alongside of families as they journey through miscarriage, stillbirth and neo-natal loss". I would love to be available to these families when they receive a diagnosis, during the delivery and afterwards.

During the delivery would be the time that we would present the memory boxes filled with all of the donations (my most treasured items are the items we have from Virginia's birth--blanket, outfit, etc). I would also like to be able to take pictures for the families (Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep is great but they don't have a photographer close to us and they don't take pictures before 25 weeks).

This is all in the brainstorming phase right now but these are the items that would be great for donations:

CD’s for pictures

Preemie hats

Memory boxes

Picture frames

Blankets (anything over 20 x 20)

Restaurant gift cards

Footprint/Handprint molds

Books on pregnancy loss

Picture books

Handmade cards for special events (birthdays, due dates, Father’s Day/Mother’s Day)

Stuffed animal

Storm produces hope

Today has been a very rough day. My 18 month old niece Bella had a cochlear implant done on her right ear and I think the stress of that in combination with the miscarriage was too much for me to take. I was having such a rough time. I'm not one that cries often and I just could not stop crying.

I had to go to the OB and was hoping to go back to work tonight but I was a basket case. He told me that he would not clear me for going back to work tonight and that he didn't want me going back until after Christmas but I talked him into letting me go back on Sunday.

ON TO THE GOOD NEWS: In the midst of the tears, I told him that I thought we really needed a perinatal hospice in our area. He said that he agreed and that when I get past this a little bit to call him and we could talk about it. I went home and started brainstorming about what I wanted it to look like and was so excited. I know that God does bring something beautiful out of the hard times that we go through in this life--so hopefully that's what this is. I've always felt like my calling was to be able to minister to people in the hospital setting and this would be perfect for me.

The other good news was that I was able to bring in something (I think it was the baby but we will see) to the dr. for testing. So we will see what happens with that.

Reproductive Endocrinologist Appointment

I had an appointment today with a reproductive endocrinologist up in Orland. I was kind of nervous about the appointment especially after filling out our life story :) It's such a hard place to be in because we desperately want another child but we're not sure if we would be able to handle the pain of another loss. We are hoping that if we receive some testing we can find out if there is something that can easily be corrected or if Josiah was our miracle. The appointment was very overwhelming. The dr. did not want to make many suggestions about what could be causing the 3 pregnancy losses but would rather do all kinds of tests and then meet with us to discuss the results. Mainly the tests would be labs and ultrasounds so not really a big deal besides the expense. Thankfully my work insurance covers the diagnostic tests but once there is a diagnosis then we would have to foot the bill. In a way I really want to find out if there is something wrong as this could affect Josiah and his future family.

Good News/Bad News

The last couple of days have been ok--I've still felt a little queasy and have been having some horrible headaches but it was nothing compared to this weekend.

We went to see the OB today to try and figure out what our status was and when I could go back to work. He did an ultrasound and said that he did not see the baby but could see quite a bit of "tissue" left in there. He said that he would not be surprised if I would have some heavy loss yet ahead of me.

We were obviously disappointed that we were not able to see the baby and have the baby tested but ... Since we won't be able to find out the gender we have named the baby Faith. We know that God is with us through this and that our faith will carry us through these trials. We were so thankful for this baby and the baby will always be a part of our family.

I have a necklace that I was given by my sister when we lost Virginia. Then, my friend Cindy gave me the handprint charm which we used when we lost the last baby. This weekend we were able to get a little angel charm to remember this baby. It helps so much to have a reminder of my 4 little ones around my neck.

Round 3 (Monday)

The morning started out a little bit scary as I was a little nauseous but I've been trying to be careful getting up walking around.

Thankfully my mom stayed overnight which alleviated some of the anxiety just knowing that she was here. My friend, Cindy came over too with her 3 youngest which was good for us too to distract us from everything that is happening. Josiah loves their family and had such a great time holding the babies.

The main reason we are chronicling what is happening is because we start a journal the day we find out that we are pregnant and then when we find out that we have lost a baby it's hard to keep writing in there--this helps to be able to write it down and then at some point in time we can put it in their journals or somewhere else.

If anyone does read this blog, we just want to thank you all for the love, encouragement, prayers, cards, etc. During these painful times of loss, each one of you that walks alongside of us is being the body of Christ and we appreciate it more than words can say. When we seem to be at the lowest in the terms of our loss, we receive a phone call, a package in the mail, an e-mail etc. that just reminds us that we are not alone and we love each of you sooo much!

Round 2 (Sunday)

Sunday morning Tim was able to take Josiah to church--Josiah is going to be in the Christmas program at church and he needs to get used to singing in front of people :) He knows 3 of the 4 songs but we'll see if he performs in front of an audience.

At about 2 pm I started to have some pain in my back and I was concerned that it was starting again. Thankfully, I called my mom and asked her to come out because we really need Tim to keep working. From about 5-7 was pretty rough as I was experiencing a lot of loss. It was really scary and I wasn't sure if I should go to the hospital or not. I spoke with the OB but he wasn't really a lot of help. I also spoke with our person at The Haven Network and she was able to reassure me that it was going to be ok. I finally was able to calm down and hang out on the couch for a while. I still was a little bit concerned but thankfully it all started to slow down a little bit.

What a night

Last night I was going to try and start the cytotec but I was still scared. It's so hard to know what to do when your OB tells you to take it but then the warnings from the pharmacist and the company that produces the medication says not to take it after 8 weeks to induce labor as it can cause a uterine rupture. Plus my OB did not prescribe any pain killers besides Ibuprofen which did not even touch the pain that I had been experiencing. So after many phone calls with family we decided to wait with the Cytotec.

I have been in pain since Thursday but the pain was coming much faster starting around 8 pm. Thankfully my sister in law called at 9 pm so that helped distract me for a half hour. Then Tim got home and I started walking the floors (I told him that I was probably going to make a hole in the floor). I was in sooooo much pain and was not getting a break in between the pain. Tim called the OB and begged him for a pain killer but he said that the Ibuprofen would be enough (unless these doctors have gone through this--there is no reason I should not have a pain killer, people who give birth to healthy babies have pain killers). I was in a state of panic from about 10-12:30 since I couldn't find a way to alleviate the pain. In that moment I was pretty much praying for an end to it all. If we are ever blessed with a healthy pregnancy I should be a rock star :) At about 12:30 I sat on the couch and was able to calm myself down a little and I was getting a break in between the pain and then at about 1-1:30 we fell asleep. I don't think that everything is done so we'll see what the next couple of days bring.

So confused

I hate having to make such important decisions. I still have not started the Cytotec because I'm scared to death but we really want to get this baby delivered so that I can get back to work (this time off is all unpaid which is not good for us). The scary thing with Cytotec is that I took it with Virginia and it was extremely painful. All I have been given at home is Ibuprofen. Plus, I read the pharmacy sheet and it said after 8 weeks this medication should not be given to induce labor as it can cause uterine rupture. The baby was measuring between 9-4 and 9-6 on Wednesday. I've been reading some of the user reviews on the internet and it is so scary. Then, I talked to the dr. and his words weren't comforting either. I know that the Bible says that God won't give you more than you can handle but at times it seems like He's tiptoeing on that line. It's enough that we had to lose the baby--it would be so much more helpful if my body could just let go of it without medicine :(