Monday, June 14, 2010

Six weeks

I can't believe that six weeks has passed since I delivered Virginia in to this world. Right now the emotions seem to be hitting pretty hard (probably does not help that I am over tired).

Last night as Tim and I were talking we said that we only had 13 days with the baby before she passed away. We were given the terminal diagnosis on April 8th and on April 21st it was confirmed that she had no heartbeat (I will say that is a picture that will be forever imprinted on my mind. The first u/s in the dr's office with Josiah crying in the background and the dr. saying that there was no heartbeat and the baby's face looking at me. Then the next one at the hospital again by myself because they wouldn't let Tim in there with me. It is awful to see your baby on an ultrasound and know that she is not alive). It seemed that there was so much time in between the diagnosis and her death but really it was only 13 days. We had 13 days to grieve and make the plans for her. We had 13 days to feel her little kicks and movements. At the time it seemed like it was forever but looking back it was such a short time. I would give anything to feel her kicking inside of me again.


  1. Dear Virginia's Mommy,

    I replied to you about our precious Gracie Anne when you inquired on McMama's Forum... I read your update today and came here and have read every post. You and your husband and family have done an amazing job being Virginia’s loving parents and dealing with her loss. You are truly an inspiration in faith and love.

    Your post entitled “Jealousy” broke my heart for you, but I wanted to share something with you about that, perhaps it will help, perhaps not..

    My sister’s OB was very aggressive with the cytotec induction, immediately after the ultrasound confirmed Gracie had passed, she was admitted and aggressively induced. She suffered extreme pain for a LONG time... (15 hours) When Gracie was born she was in as good of condition as to be expected. (although still very hard to see) You could see her features that were not disfigured by the Hygroma. And yes her little hands and feet were precious. Rachael did get a little ink footprint. But . . . and this is HUGE . . . we feel Rachael’s cervix was damaged during that aggressive induction.

    6 months later Rachael got pregnant again. This time at 20 weeks the baby looked perfect and we thought everything would be fine. 5 days later Rachael started bleeding and her cervix began to open. Her perfectly healthy child was in extreme danger. She was admitted and had an emergency procedure to sew her cervix shut. She was only able to hold on for 30 more days and she had her son Jimmie in the 24th week. He has miraculously survived and done incredibly well. However it was still an enormous tragedy for him to be born at 1 lb 8 ozs, spend 88 days in the NICU and at 16 months he has a g-tube because he can not quite eat and drink enough.

    We will never know for sure, but the most likely scenario here is that the aggressive cytotec induction with Gracie Anne permanently damaged Rachael’s cervix making it very risky and unlikely that she will ever have a full term birth.

    It breaks my heart that Gracie’s tragedy lives on and effects all of Rachael’s future children. If I ever- God forbid- had to make a decision about aggressive induction immediately so the least amount of deterioration is present as opposed to going very slowly and carefully over a longer amount of time . . . I would choose that latter. For we believe in faith- that we will see Gracie again someday alive in the fullness and health that God meant for her...

    Because of our experience we do believe there are dangers with cytotec and aggressive induction in the event of an early still birth. We believe that women should be warned of these dangers and the far reaching consequences. We believe OB’s should proceed with caution and patience.

    I pray for your hearts to continue to heal and for your future children. And I pray that our story may perhaps bring you peace and acceptance if even in a small way.

    If you are interested, here is Jimmie’s blog
    His blog also features Gracie’s story and tribute.

    Much love in Christ,
    Gracie and Jimmie’s Auntie

  2. Amber,
    Thank you so much for your kind words. Your comment really meant so much to me! I did go to the blog after we talked in April. It is so crazy that Virginia was that close to Gracie's birthday--I discovered that Virginia passed on April 21.

    We definitely know that God had a reason why we couldn't deliver at the first hospital but it almost seems that ob's are not trained well enough to deal with the babies who are not going to make it. There were so many times when they could have done much better. It is so sad to hear of how much Gracie's delivery affected your sister, though :( I'm so glad that Jimmie is doing well too and that you have so many wonderful people who love him.